At almost 37, when I think about all the things the Lord has helped me walk through, I have a pretty long list (even though I didn’t always realize He was with me at the time). But all of these obstacles can be boiled down to one issue that God continues to help me chip away at: anxiety. We hear this word a lot now, but it is still easily dismissed and hard to explain. I do not have a clinical diagnosis and for a long time I didn’t even realize that anxiety was what ailed me. I could attribute my issues to many different things: low self-esteem, perfectionism, people-pleasing, worrying, controlling, etc. And these are all definitely things I struggle with. But now I would say they are all symptoms of my anxiety. Underneath all of that has always been a feeling of differentness, of loneliness, of always wanting to do the “right” thing but also never knowing what the “right” thing was; an intense struggle to find peace through my own correct actions rather than through God’s infallible sovereignty. As a kid, my brain understood God as a judge who sat waiting for me to screw up, and then punish me accordingly. So I thought the best course of action was to stay off His radar. The less mistakes I made, the less attention He’d pay me. The closer to perfect I could be, the better for my life and everyone I knew. Rules were made for following, right?! So I spent the first 25 years of my life trying to live up to everyone’s expectations of me. And I attributed those expectations to God. I decided at a very early age to bottle every emotion inside so I wouldn’t rock the boat and so no one could tell me my feelings were wrong. I always had a hard time filling out those “About Me” sheets at school. My identity was so wrapped up in what others thought of me, I had no idea what I liked to do in my spare time or what my hobbies were. Since I was spending so much time and energy trying to do everything right, I didn’t understand my need for a savior. I was constantly trying to save myself. In my teens, I started my addiction to rescuing people. For many years, if you were a stable person and a good friend, we probably wouldn’t get along well. I couldn’t see myself as a valuable person unless I was helping you out. But if you were a basket case or an emotional train wreck, I would stick by your side till I was crying myself to sleep every night. I thought it was my duty as a Christian to “help” those who were “lost.” (This is not Christianity, friends. This is codependency.) The harder a relationship or a situtation got, the more I strived to bend it to my will. I was constantly trying to save everyone else. At 25, I found myself in total shock and disbelief at the state of my life. I went to therapy for the first time, because, of course, that was the “right” thing to do. Thankfully, in the midst of me blaming my husband for every problem I had, our therapist told me I had some things I needed to work on too. She suggested I attend a 12 Step group. I went to my first meeting because, of course, it was the “right” thing to do. But at that first meeting, God brought out those underlying issues that had plagued my mind for so long. At that first meeting I was no longer different, I was no longer lonely, and I soon learned that many times there was no “right” thing to do. I began to accept the fact that I too made mistakes, and that that was ok. I began to see God as a loving parent, rather than a harsh judge. I started to have a personal relationship with Him, instead of trying to stay off of His radar. I learned how to take care of myself well, and how to trust God to take care of others. I learned how to ask for help, and how to offer help without losing my sanity (this is boundaries). I learned what my hobbies and interests are! I learned that I too need a savior. Anxiety, for me, is like a hamster on a wheel in my brain. It is the constant chatter in my head about worries, fears, tasks, and faults. It is a spiritual battle for my brain between peace and chaos. Ultimately, it is asking me to choose between grasping for control and accepting that God is in control. Choosing God’s peace over my chaos isn’t always easy in the moment, but it does get easier over time. Each time that I recognize He is with me, it strengthens my faith and my ability to trust Him. Each time I choose to be thankful over being fearful or complaining, it strengthens my ability to let that hamster rest instead of putting him back on the wheel. God has been with me every step of the way and handpicked the people that helped me crawl out of my pit of despair. He knows my deepest worries and fears, and He knows how to help me overcome them. My journey isn’t always easy, but I am never alone.
Quality Time
“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of God with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
-Hebrews 4:14-16
It’s very easy to for me to get overwhelmed with life. Most of the time I’m just trying to keep up with the daily grind. Add an extra event or activity and I have to really focus to stay on top of things. Add any more than that and I’m completely frazzled. This week we had lots of extras. My mental acuity has gone out the window at this point. I feel like a spastic squirrel.
Usually when this happens, taking care of myself is one of the first things to get pushed to the wayside. And one of the things I know I need to do to take care of myself is to spend some time with God each day, reading my 12 Step literature, devotional, and Bible. I’m thankful to say that at this point in my life, I do this almost every weekday. This hasn’t always been a part of my routine or even a goal of mine, but I have learned that it is vital to keeping my peace of mind. When I first started trying to incorporate this time with God into my routine, it was more of a chore. It was something I felt like I “should” do, but didn’t really want to do. But one day I read in my “Jesus Calling” devotional that God wanted me to enjoy that time with him and look forward to it, instead of dreading it or doing it out of obligation. And that really changed my perspective. When I approached it that way, it really became a blessing and a highlight of my day.
Now even though I do appreciate that time, when I get stressed, it starts to slip out of my routine. I start running around like crazy, trying to do 15 things at once and feeling like I’m getting nothing done at all. I feel like I can’t sit down and let one second of “productive” time slip away. That’s what happened to me this week. It’s Wednesday and I don’t think I’ve done my quiet time with God since last Thursday or Friday. In the past, I have let this become a wedge between me and God. I felt like a little kid who had done something wrong and was too embarrassed to face their parent. So I would go even longer without making time for God, and put even more distance between us, all the while feeling more and more guilt and shame and loneliness.
Over time, as I have gotten to know myself and God better, I can more easily recognize when I am slacking off in this area, and I know that God is not waiting to scold me, but that he is eagerly waiting for this time with me, his beloved child. I know that I can “approach the throne of God with confidence,” because he loves me no matter what. And because he knows what it’s like to be human. I can talk to him about what’s been going on in my life and keeping me so busy. I can ask him to guide me through whatever is happening. The more I practice this, instead of my old habit of hiding in shame, the easier it is to pick up right where I left off after a few days of craziness.
So is there anything that has been keeping you from spending time with God? Remember that nothing can separate you from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39). Nothing you’ve done or have failed to or have done poorly. God is always ready to enjoy some time with you. All you have to do is show up.
The Hamster Wheel
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
I struggle with anxiety. For me it’s like a little hamster lives in my brain and at certain times he just jumps on his wheel (which is filled with all my worries and negative thoughts) and he won’t get off. So there’s a constant circle of worry, fear, shame, regret, what ifs, why nots, should’ves, and at the root of it all – “I’ll never be enough.”
The hamster was on the wheel this past weekend. It started because my daughter has had some ongoing minor health issues for the past year and Friday I decided to take her to the doctor again to try and get some new answers. I learned that I had not been given enough information on how to help her. And some of the information I had been given was wrong. But I got a new plan and was relieved to hopefully finally fix the problem. I felt better knowing that we were moving forward, but he mean voices in my head started to tell me that I was a terrible mother. Why did I let this go on so long? How could I not know how to help her? Why hadn’t I been a better advocate for her? How could I be so harsh with her for acting out when she’s not feeling well physically? On and on it went.
Saturday and Sunday we had a big party to attend in another city for my husband’s work. And the hamster just kept running. The packing, the planning, the figuring out a schedule, the planning of meals, toys for the kids, etc. And the voices were saying, “Why didn’t you plan this out sooner? Why do you always wait till the last minute? What’s wrong with you? Other wives/moms aren’t bringing this much stuff for one night, why are you? Why do you even have this much stuff? You need to purge everything! What will people think of you at the party? They’re gonna know you’re weird and don’t fit in.”
Sunday night we got back home and my daughter threw a massive fit. And the voices were battling out how I should respond. Later my husband and I had a big discussion about our family life. I went to bed exhausted and still the hamster kept running. I woke up at four in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep because the hamster was trying to figure out how to do all the right things so that the mean voices would stop talking.
I got up at six to go run. Running and listening to Christian music at the sea wall always helps me start my day off right. But as I began to run, I could still feel the wheel turning and the voices trying to tell me if I would just do more, be more, strive more, I could solve all my problems. And I felt defeated. But then the words of the song playing got my attention. “Goodbye regret, goodbye alone, goodbye to emptiness, say hello to beautiful, goodbye afraid, goodbye ashamed, goodbye to hopelessness, say hello to beautiful.” It’s a song by Mercy Me called “Hello Beautiful.” And in that instant I was reminded of the lesson that God keeps giving me over and over again – I can’t fix it! Only he can.
It’s easier for me to remember this in the small moments, on ordinary days. But when challenges arise and I begin to feel overwhelmed, I quickly forget. I start to believe the lies that say I have caused all of my problems because I’m not good enough and I can fix all of my problems if I try harder. But the truth is I am not in control. God is. I can turn to him, learn to trust him, talk to him about how I’m feeling, tell him my worries, ask him to show me my next step, and then leave it in his hands. I felt much better once I remembered the truth. This is a constant battle for me – being able to listen to the truth of God over the lies in the world. The more I practice this, the easier it gets, and the less time the hamster stays on the wheel.