Overcoming Fear

I have always dealt with a lot of anxiety and self-doubt, and with that comes fear. I have been afraid of many things over the years, but there’s a popular contemporary Christian song called “Fear Is a Liar,” by Zach Williams, that perfectly details the roots of all my fear. Fear that I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not worthy, not loved, and not beautiful. Fear that I could never find contentment because my mind is too broken, that I’d always feel alone and lost, that my mistakes and flaws were too great to overcome. But, like the chorus says, fear is a liar. Even though I may feel this way sometimes, I know I can’t always trust my feelings. But I can trust God’s Word, and it says the opposite of all those things. Lies must be fought with truth, and truth comes from God’s Word.

When I feel not good enough, not strong enough, or too flawed, I can go to 2 Corinthians 12:9: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” God’s grace and power are great enough to fill in the gaps for me – I don’t have to fear my inadequacy! And this is not just a hobby of his, he designed things this way – he wants to use my weakness and imperfection that I think is bad, and through his love and strength and perfection turn that into something good! (See Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him...”) Something that will draw me closer to him. Something that will help others who are also struggling. (See 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”)

When I fear that I am just downright unlovable, God’s got more verses than Picasso’s got paint. Of course, there’s John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” God had this plan in place for ME and YOU and everyone else because he LOVED us. Not because he had to, because he wanted to. Then there’s Jeremiah 31:3: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” And I love Zephaniah 3:17: “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” God not only loves you, he enjoys you! He can’t wait to spend time with you! You are loved.

When I fear a life of unhappiness, God tells me through Paul that my circumstances or my state of being are not where my focus should be. “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:12-13) If I’m living for myself, I can easily look around and list dozens of complaints and miseries without even trying that hard. But if I am living for God, I can easily look around and list dozens of things I am grateful for, joyful about, hopeful for, praying about, and trusting him to take care of. Does this mean that as a Christian I should only have “positive” emotions? No! I will experience the ups and downs of life just like any human being. But I will “fix my eyes on Jesus” and not on my circumstances, “so that I will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Hebrews 12:2-3)

When I fear being alone, God says repeatedly, “I am with you.” My favorite verse for this is Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And Jesus tells us the same thing before he ascends to heaven in Matthew 28:20: “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” I also remember Hagar, the slave of Abram’s wife, Sarai. She finds herself running away from Sarai’s mistreatment, pregnant with Abram’s child (because Sarai and Abram felt they needed to “help” God out with giving them a child), lost and alone in the desert, and God seeks her out! I can only imagine what my mental state would be if I were Hagar, and how wonderful it would feel to have God show up in the midst of my struggle and give me guidance on what I should do. But here’s the thing – He still does that! I have found myself being rescued and counseled by God on more than one desperate occasion. He is with you, He sees you, He knows you, and He loves you unconditionally!

When I am second-guessing every decision I’ve ever made and wondering if my whole entire life has been totally screwed up by me, I go to Acts 17:26: “From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands.” I am exactly where I am supposed to be and so are you.

The Bible says over and over and over again, “Do not be afraid.” Fear is a liar, but Jesus is the truth, the life, and the way, and the truth will set you free! (John 14:6 and John 8:32)

Walking With God

At almost 37, when I think about all the things the Lord has helped me walk through, I have a pretty long list (even though I didn’t always realize He was with me at the time). But all of these obstacles can be boiled down to one issue that God continues to help me chip away at: anxiety. We hear this word a lot now, but it is still easily dismissed and hard to explain. I do not have a clinical diagnosis and for a long time I didn’t even realize that anxiety was what ailed me. I could attribute my issues to many different things: low self-esteem, perfectionism, people-pleasing, worrying, controlling, etc. And these are all definitely things I struggle with. But now I would say they are all symptoms of my anxiety. Underneath all of that has always been a feeling of differentness, of loneliness, of always wanting to do the “right” thing but also never knowing what the “right” thing was; an intense struggle to find peace through my own correct actions rather than through God’s infallible sovereignty. As a kid, my brain understood God as a judge who sat waiting for me to screw up, and then punish me accordingly. So I thought the best course of action was to stay off His radar. The less mistakes I made, the less attention He’d pay me. The closer to perfect I could be, the better for my life and everyone I knew. Rules were made for following, right?! So I spent the first 25 years of my life trying to live up to everyone’s expectations of me. And I attributed those expectations to God. I decided at a very early age to bottle every emotion inside so I wouldn’t rock the boat and so no one could tell me my feelings were wrong. I always had a hard time filling out those “About Me” sheets at school. My identity was so wrapped up in what others thought of me, I had no idea what I liked to do in my spare time or what my hobbies were. Since I was spending so much time and energy trying to do everything right, I didn’t understand my need for a savior. I was constantly trying to save myself. In my teens, I started my addiction to rescuing people. For many years, if you were a stable person and a good friend, we probably wouldn’t get along well. I couldn’t see myself as a valuable person unless I was helping you out. But if you were a basket case or an emotional train wreck, I would stick by your side till I was crying myself to sleep every night. I thought it was my duty as a Christian to “help” those who were “lost.” (This is not Christianity, friends. This is codependency.) The harder a relationship or a situtation got, the more I strived to bend it to my will. I was constantly trying to save everyone else. At 25, I found myself in total shock and disbelief at the state of my life. I went to therapy for the first time, because, of course, that was the “right” thing to do. Thankfully, in the midst of me blaming my husband for every problem I had, our therapist told me I had some things I needed to work on too. She suggested I attend a 12 Step group. I went to my first meeting because, of course, it was the “right” thing to do. But at that first meeting, God brought out those underlying issues that had plagued my mind for so long. At that first meeting I was no longer different, I was no longer lonely, and I soon learned that many times there was no “right” thing to do. I began to accept the fact that I too made mistakes, and that that was ok. I began to see God as a loving parent, rather than a harsh judge. I started to have a personal relationship with Him, instead of trying to stay off of His radar. I learned how to take care of myself well, and how to trust God to take care of others. I learned how to ask for help, and how to offer help without losing my sanity (this is boundaries). I learned what my hobbies and interests are! I learned that I too need a savior. Anxiety, for me, is like a hamster on a wheel in my brain. It is the constant chatter in my head about worries, fears, tasks, and faults. It is a spiritual battle for my brain between peace and chaos. Ultimately, it is asking me to choose between grasping for control and accepting that God is in control. Choosing God’s peace over my chaos isn’t always easy in the moment, but it does get easier over time. Each time that I recognize He is with me, it strengthens my faith and my ability to trust Him. Each time I choose to be thankful over being fearful or complaining, it strengthens my ability to let that hamster rest instead of putting him back on the wheel. God has been with me every step of the way and handpicked the people that helped me crawl out of my pit of despair. He knows my deepest worries and fears, and He knows how to help me overcome them. My journey isn’t always easy, but I am never alone.

Who Are You?

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” – 1 Peter 2:9

I don’t remember a time in my life when I felt totally confident about anything. I have always dealt with low self-esteem, feeling like I’m never good enough, feeling like I need to prove myself, and always being my own worst critic. Even when I know I’m really good at something and can do a great job, I have this little voice in my head saying, “Who are you?!”

If I meet a new person and want to be friends, it’s “Who are you to think that they want to be friends with you? ”

If I get an idea to try something new, it’s “Who are you to think you can do that?”

If I get treated badly by someone and want to stand up for myself, it’s “Who are you to say that they were wrong?” Followed by a list of all the things I could have done differently in the situation. Which can sometimes be helpful for learning from mistakes, but not when you overthink your mistakes and berate yourself for them.

If something good happens, I feel guilty instead of thankful. “Who are you to get this reward?! You don’t deserve this!”

The everyday battle in my mind goes on and on. There are some times when I am able to conquer these thoughts but many times I give in and miss out on opportunities and relationships. One of the things that has really been affected by this thinking is in using my gifts and talents for God.

I have always loved art and drawing. I won my first coloring contest when I was four. It was at Wal-Mart and I won a really nice plastic case full of 72 Crayola crayons. I won lots of poster contests throughout school and I loved art class. But the thought of furthering that talent never really crossed my mind until I was 26, about to be a mom and looking for something to work at from home. And  then the voice was there saying, “Who are you to think that you could make something people want to buy?”

And so with much trepidation I started an Etsy shop. I really had no idea what the heck I was doing. I didn’t even know for sure what I was making and trying to sell! I was all over the place trying different things. I sold a few things here and there but it was few and far between. And then after about two years I decided to try painting on canvases. I had always seen painting on canvas as something “real” artists did. And I certainly didn’t think of myself that way. But I gave it a try and I really liked it! I also decided at that time to dedicate my art to God and to paint Bible verses. I changed the name of my Etsy shop from “Hilly-Nilly” to “Awake My Soul.” I had a graphic designer come up with a logo and printed off some new business cards. But I still couldn’t call myself an artist. So instead of “Hilary Mungle, Artist” on my cards, it said, “Hilary Mungle, Owner.” Which really makes no sense! I’m the owner of all the art that I’ve made, and making art makes me an artist. Saying I’m an artist doesn’t mean I’m a good artist, it just means that I make art.  (Just like saying I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I’m good at being Christ-like, it just means that I’m trying!)

So for seven years now I have been doing my best to follow where God leads me in this gift that He has given me. It is still a struggle. Every time I apply for a show, or a gallery, or a contest, that little voice is saying, “Who are you to get this spot?! You’re not a real artist.” I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing. (And I can say that in just about every area of my life!) But God does know. He knows exactly what I’m going to paint before I paint it. He knows exactly what Bible verses are going to resonate so deeply within me that I will feel compelled to create something with them. He knows when I am feeling like giving up on this dream and throws me a sale or a kind word from someone just when I need a pick-me-up. He knew I needed a confidence boost Saturday morning and so He woke me up with a notification from Etsy with my biggest sale ever! He knows what His plan is for the gift that He gave me. Every time someone says they love my art, I am amazed. Every time I make a sale, I am amazed. And I am reminded that I am asking the wrong thing. The question is not, “Who are you?” but “Who is God?” and “What can He do through you?”

I don’t know what I’m doing, but God does. And that’s why all these insecurities that have always held me in bondage do not matter. Because my God is bigger than my weaknesses. My God is bigger than my insecurities. My God is bigger than the “art world” that my brain is trying to desperately to figure out. My God created me and He does not make mistakes. My God has a plan for me. All I can do is take things one day at a time. And trust His timing and His plans. Maybe He wants to make my work famous someday, or maybe He wants me to just talk to people at local craft shows. Maybe He wants me to inspire others to worship Him through art. The possibilities are endless. But I will only be able to use my gifts and my life for Him if I replace that condescending voice that says, “Who are you?” with a loving voice that says, “Who is your God?”

Questions:

Do you have any destructive thought patterns that are holding you back from fully trusting God and His plans for you?

Are there areas of your life where you feel inadequate or lost? Could asking God for guidance help you to feel more confident in these areas?