The Sloth and The Butterfly

Sometimes I really don’t like being a human. It’s a lot of trouble. I don’t like change, and that just keeps happening, like, ALL THE TIME. Like for my WHOLE life. It’s ridiculous, really. And then I have to change to keep up with the changes. And I really like to just do whatever I want whenever I want to do it, and for those things that NEED to get done, well, I like to do those on autopilot. Change requires me to think. Change requires a lot of work. Change requires a lot of uncomfortableness. I’d prefer to be a sloth – take lots of naps, wake up for snacks, and poop once a week…perfect!

But I have to keep in mind that OTHER thing about being human: how I feel after I’ve changed. How I feel when I’m not uncomfortable anymore and I know more than I did before. I’m better at being a human than I was before. I’m able to look back at where I was and see how far I’ve come. I’m able to share with other humans what I’ve learned. I’m able to comfort other humans who are drudging through the same uncomfortable changes. So my humanity desires the life of a sloth, but God wants me to be more like a butterfly. He wants me to embrace change and go through it with Him. He wants me to crawl with Him, as a caterpillar. He wants me to grow with Him, as a chrysalis. He wants me to soar with Him, as a butterfly.

Some changes are small, and not really that important in the grand scheme of life. Like when I was 7 and the post office changed all the addresses for our route, so I had to memorize a new one. Or when I was 8 and my parents got a new refrigerator. Both of these things caused me great mental anguish at the time. But they didn’t have a huge effect on anything else (except as being evidence of how much I hated change and that I was terrible at dealing with it).

Some changes are big, and require a lot of work to accept. For me, these changes usually end up with me hitting a bottom and having to crawl my way back to the surface and my new reality. The first bottom I hit was a spiritual one. After many years of searching for God, I finally found Him. But not at all where I expected. After years of smiling on the outside and crying on the inside, of trying to control everything else so that I wouldn’t lose control, I finally gave up and asked for help. And God brought me into a personal relationship with Him. As a caterpillar, I longed for a personal experience with God, and I envied those who talked about their experiences with Him as if He was alive and right there with them. I wanted to believe He was real, but I wasn’t sure because I had never seen Him myself. When I finally cried out for help, He answered. He brought me to a safe place where I could get to know Him, and get to know myself. Reading, praying, sharing with others, seeing His work and feeling His presence. I’m still learning to fly spiritually, but I know God is real, that He is with me, and that He loves me.

The second bottom I hit was an emotional one. It came about seven years later. Even though I had been walking with God, I was still not so great at dealing with myself or with other humans. I was a doormat, a martyr, a control freak, and a complete emotional wreck. I cried out for help again, and God answered me. He brought me to a safe place where I could learn healthier ways of communicating, of living, of being in relationships with others. I learned I had choices. I learned I would be ok no matter what. I learned to set boundaries. I learned how to care for myself. I learned how to say no.

The most recent bottom I hit was physical. I never got back to my healthy weight after having my second child, and I continued to gain slowly over the last six years. I tried to exercise, but that always made me think I had a license to eat anything. Then I started feeling really weak and tired and found out I had low iron, so I cut back on exercising but still kept my terrible eating habits. Instead of making sure I took my iron supplements every day, I’d eat more when I felt weak and tired (even though it didn’t help). I hoped that once we moved to Japan and there weren’t fast food restaurants on every corner, I would drop the weight easily. That didn’t happen, so I signed up for Noom. I have loved the program because it focuses on the mental and emotional aspects that affect our eating habits and choices. I’ve definitely always been an emotional eater, but in the last few years, food had become an idol. It was my go-to for celebration and for sorrow, and every emotion in between. But God brought me to another bottom when none of my clothes fit anymore. My doctor had been telling me for three years that I needed to lose weight, but I disagreed. Once I finally accepted it and was ready to make a change, it didn’t seem so scary or impossible. And God has been with me every step of the way.

As a human, I hate hitting bottom. It’s painful. It’s difficult. It’s uncomfortable. It’s FULL of changes. I wish that life were easy! I wish that there was no drama, no struggles, no changes. But as a butterfly, hitting bottom is the thing that brings me life! How can I hate the things that taught me to fly?

Bible verses to consider:

Genesis 28:15: I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

Jeremiah 33:3: Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

Isaiah 43:19: See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old is gone; a new life has begun!

Ephesians 4:22: You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Ephesians 4:1: As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

Ephesians 4:14-16: Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Exodus 20:2-3: I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me.

2020 Essentials: Thriving in Chaos

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but 2020 has been weird. Not just sort of weird, REALLY weird. And not just weird for some people, but weird for EVERYONE. The global pandemic is something I never imagined experiencing in my lifetime. Pandemics were things we read about in history books, not the local news. Like the rest of the world, 2020 has been weird for our family too. But every year feels weird for our family. We are a military homeschooling family. We moved to Japan in February, right before the world shut down. My husband left for quarantine and deployment at the end of April. And my kids and I are just sittin’ here, waitin’ to be able to go to Tokyo (hasn’t happened yet because of COVID-19). Maybe you’ve seen the meme going around social media about military families: “Getting our plans screwed up by the government before it was cool.” We never know what’s going on, we rarely know what day it is, and we’re never too sure what we’ll be doing in the future. While some people thrive in this environment, I, being an anxiety-ridden planner and control freak, have felt the military lifestyle drive me absolutely insane over the last 17 years. And then, when God called us to homeschool five years ago and brought us down the path of non-traditional learning, my insanity quadrupled. “What do you mean they don’t have to learn certain things at certain times? What do you mean life can be whatever we want it to be? What do you mean we don’t have to follow anyone else’s rules?” The freedom can sometimes feel totally liberating and totally suffocating at the same time.

The questions that I have been forced to ask myself over the past several years of building a life that is completely different than what I envisioned are the questions that many people are asking themselves now, as a result of the chaos of 2020. I don’t know how long this “new normal” will last for any of us, but I want to encourage you! It is hard, but you can do hard things. It is different, but you can learn new things. It is unpredictable, but you can be flexible. So here are some of the questions I have had to ask myself, and do some serious soul-searching (and Bible-reading) to find my answers. I hope that they will help you find your questions and your answers too.

1. What am I building my life upon? When this question first came up in my mind, I was sad to admit that the answer was accomplishments, awards, and the praise of others. I was a people-pleaser. I had spent my entire life trying to fulfill every goal other people said I should. I tried to be the best at everything I did, even if I didn’t enjoy it or drove myself crazy attaining it. I got a 4.0 in college but made zero friends outside of my job at the university library. That was pretty much the story of my entire life. Stressed out perfectionism: trying to prove to myself and the world that I was capable and worthy. What I try to build my life upon now is God’s kingdom – where I don’t have to be capable or worthy, because He will equip me to do whatever He has planned. So what are you building your life upon right now? “The wise man builds his house upon the rock.” - Matthew 7:24-27

2. Who is in control? My old answer to this would have been ME. I felt completely responsible for everything and everyone. I had to save the entire world every day. I had to be a good example for others and if they still didn’t get it, I had to tell them what they were doing wrong. If I had a problem, it must have been because of something I did to cause it. If only I had made the right decision, these things wouldn’t be happening to me, right?! It was exhausting. Finally I found out the truth: I am not, in fact, in control of anything but myself, nor am I the savior of the world. But God is in control of the world and Jesus is the Savior of the world. So I don’t have to worry. I can trust and not be afraid. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

3. What is the source of my joy? Unfortunately, my answer to this for the longest time was my circumstances, my routine, and my productivity. It’s taken years of therapy, prayer, Bible studies, 12 step studies, and soul-searching to make any changes here. But the truth is, most of us humans want things our way and when we don’t get it, we’re unhappy. Keeping my focus on God’s fulfilled promises and the promise of heaven is a daily mental battle for me. My mind naturally goes to the negative – the things I need to “fix.” But daily gratitude lists, daily devotions, daily prayer, and daily devoting myself to passing on the knowledge of God to my kids keeps reminding me that I can find joy, contentment, and happiness when I am looking for it. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” – Philippians 4:4

4. Who am I trying to please? Sometimes it was my family, sometimes friends, sometimes enemies, sometimes co-workers, sometimes my husband, sometimes my kids…but all of these turned out to be wrong. People are fallible. God is infallible. People get things wrong and make mistakes. God never gets things wrong or makes mistakes. When I have a question, I need to take it to God first. Many times the voices of the world are deafening and overwhelming. And most of the time, they are wrong. This has come up a lot for me when it comes to homeschooling. Sometimes I feel crushed by the pressure for my kids to succeed. But that’s what happens when I worry about the world’s standards instead of God’s standards. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

5. What is essential? This is a really hard one! And it usually leads to more questions. It is an ongoing process for me, as the answer constantly changes. I try to start with the most basic things and build from there. What has God called me to do? What are the needs of my (and my family’s) mind, body, and soul, and how do I meet them? What are my goals and dreams? What habits can help me get there? What can I do daily, weekly, monthly, yearly to reach them, and to do God’s will? If you can’t answer these questions yet, spend some time getting to know yourself and God first. “…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” – Ephesians 4:4

6. What do I need to do to take care of myself? This one is a lot like the last one – always a work in progress! It goes hand in hand with finding out what is essential. What is self-care? It is knowing what you need to do to love yourself and keep your sanity. It is knowing yourself well enough to know how you’re feeling and how to respond to those feelings. It is knowing when to say yes, when to say no, and when to rest. It is learning how to trust yourself and your intuition. It is being able to enjoy time alone. It is knowing exactly what you would do with free time or what your hobbies are. It is nurturing healthy relationships and cutting unhealthy relationships out. It is setting healthy boundaries for yourself. “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” – Ephesians 4:22-24

7. Can my kids thrive in a non-traditional learning environment? Short answer: heck yes! Long answer: Humans are constantly learning, every second of every day. Can’t stop, won’t stop. Billions of people throughout history did not attend an organized institution of learning, and we’re still here. If you liked your old normal and your old routine, keep doing that! And if you’re unable to do that old routine now because of COVID-19, just know that this won’t last forever, and your kids won’t be behind on anything just because they’re not doing their normal school routine. But if the changes you have encountered are making you question your old routine and question sending your kids back to school, do some research, talk to some homeschool families, and talk to God about making a leap of faith. (I get it! It took me four years to commit to homeschooling!) “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” – Colossians 2:2-3

10 Years of Parenthood

So my son, my first born, my baby boy, just turned 10. And I am an emotional wreck! I really just can’t believe that he is halfway to adulthood, or that we have kept a human being alive for this long. I can’t understand how the human race has survived this long. Because raising kids is HARD. Harder than I ever could have imagined and harder than can be accurately described. It’s questioning every decision I’ve ever made on a daily basis, and trying to figure out how to be better at life, so that these new humans we made can somehow have a better life…but not TOO much better, because if they have no struggles they won’t be able to grow and learn how to cope with life. So with all my flaws and hangups and baggage, I try to parent them well enough that they won’t have so many flaws and hangups and baggage…but that leads to me focusing way too much on the wrong things, which causes both of us more flaws, hangups, and baggage. It’s a vicious cycle. (This is why we all need Jesus!)

And that thing everyone says, “The days are long but the years are short,” definitely holds true for me. I quit my job with a 120-mile-round-trip commute shortly after I found out I was pregnant, so I’ve been staying at home for almost 11 years now. After being a school-and-work-aholic since I was 5, staying at home has been a HUGE transition! Maybe someday I’ll get used to it. Probably about the time my kids are ready to move out. I like routines, and kids like routines, but sometimes people get addicted to routines, and then they can’t function when the slightest thing is different…not healthy. I like spontaneity, and kids like spontaneity, but sometimes people get addicted to spontaneity and can’t function without constant fun and action…not healthy. So I guess with parenting, just like everything else, the goal is balance. Many days the monotony is enough to drive me insane. But then those little moments where you just want to stop time because of the joy you feel happen and you are reminded what a gift you have been given.

In thinking about the past 10 years (which sometimes feel like one year and sometimes feel like 25 years), it’s easy to see how my son has changed, but most of the changes in me have been internal. I have heard motherhood described as “the highest calling” many times, and living it has been an amazing roller coaster ride. While I was nursing, changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning up messes, reading books, singing songs, and agonizing over decisions, God was working on my heart. He gave us the family unit to be a model of his love for us and the world, and I have learned so much about Him from this adventure. So here are some of the major lessons I have learned over the past decade. Some I had heard before, but didn’t understand fully until I walked through it. Some were not even on my radar, but God made them clear to me.

1) God has a plan – trust Him…you are not in control. This lesson started with my labor and delivery, and is the gift that just keeps on giving. I’m pretty stubborn by nature, and I was determined to NOT have a C-section (mostly because I’m a hypochondriac and knew how worried I’d be about my guts falling out) and preferably a natural water birth at a midwifery center. So when my baby was overdue and we went in for an ultrasound, only to be told that the baby’s estimated weight was 10 lbs., 4 oz. and they said I could go ahead and opt for a C-section or wait to see how it played out…I waited to see how it played out. Because I wanted MY way. And I ended up with 5 days of contractions that were every 5-20 minutes, therapeutic rest with morphine and Benadryl, the nurse breaking my water, Pitocin, an epidural, 4 hours of pushing, and…a C-section!

2) Whatever you’re going through, it won’t last forever. So if it’s rough, don’t give up, and if it’s good, enjoy it! Babies change so quickly! And so do toddlers, kids, teens, and humans in general. One day they eat, sleep, and poop, and the next they’re getting married. But please don’t let this “they grow up so fast” mentality make you feel guilty about setting boundaries with your kids or taking time for yourself…just try to be present in the moment.

3) God picked YOU to be your kid’s parent, not because you’re perfect, but because you’re perfect for each other. So don’t doubt yourself or your capabilities. Of course I am constantly trying to train my kids in something, but my kids have taught me so much about myself and about life in general. We drive each other nuts, we make mistakes, and we apologize and keep going. You don’t have to be perfect, because you aren’t Jesus! Just be willing to learn and admit your mistakes.

4) You know your child best, so consider all the advice and information you can, but the final decision is yours. The first hurdle we encountered with our son was his speech delay. His doctors started telling us when he was 15 months old that they thought he was behind. Now 9 years and many speech therapists later, he’s speaking just fine. But there was a lot of time in there spent agonizing on the right course of action. Sometimes I listened to the doctors and ended up changing my mind. Eventually I started doing what I thought was right and things got a lot smoother.

5) There actually is an instruction book for parenting…it’s the Bible. That’s not really what most of us want to hear though! We want quick answers, guarantees, and step by step instructions. But our God is a God of mystery, epic stories, deep thoughts, and mind-blowing lessons. He is a great author who can connect the dots in our stories like no other! So dig deep, read the Bible every day, read the Bible with your kids every day, and wait for miracles.

6) Don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. I know I already said this in #2, but it needs to be repeated! This is always a big struggle for me, but if you want to learn how to love your neighbor, you have to learn how to love yourself. Kids need to learn how to handle a “no,” how to enjoy their own company, and how to motivate themselves when they are bored.

7) “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” -Colossians 2:2-3 This is our purpose as parents. To teach our kids about God and His plan for the world. Everything else will follow. The world will tell you a million other things are more important. But how do you unlock the secrets of the universe? By getting to know the One who created the universe. Us humans really like to complicate things!

Overcoming Fear

I have always dealt with a lot of anxiety and self-doubt, and with that comes fear. I have been afraid of many things over the years, but there’s a popular contemporary Christian song called “Fear Is a Liar,” by Zach Williams, that perfectly details the roots of all my fear. Fear that I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not worthy, not loved, and not beautiful. Fear that I could never find contentment because my mind is too broken, that I’d always feel alone and lost, that my mistakes and flaws were too great to overcome. But, like the chorus says, fear is a liar. Even though I may feel this way sometimes, I know I can’t always trust my feelings. But I can trust God’s Word, and it says the opposite of all those things. Lies must be fought with truth, and truth comes from God’s Word.

When I feel not good enough, not strong enough, or too flawed, I can go to 2 Corinthians 12:9: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’” God’s grace and power are great enough to fill in the gaps for me – I don’t have to fear my inadequacy! And this is not just a hobby of his, he designed things this way – he wants to use my weakness and imperfection that I think is bad, and through his love and strength and perfection turn that into something good! (See Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him...”) Something that will draw me closer to him. Something that will help others who are also struggling. (See 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”)

When I fear that I am just downright unlovable, God’s got more verses than Picasso’s got paint. Of course, there’s John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” God had this plan in place for ME and YOU and everyone else because he LOVED us. Not because he had to, because he wanted to. Then there’s Jeremiah 31:3: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” And I love Zephaniah 3:17: “The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” God not only loves you, he enjoys you! He can’t wait to spend time with you! You are loved.

When I fear a life of unhappiness, God tells me through Paul that my circumstances or my state of being are not where my focus should be. “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:12-13) If I’m living for myself, I can easily look around and list dozens of complaints and miseries without even trying that hard. But if I am living for God, I can easily look around and list dozens of things I am grateful for, joyful about, hopeful for, praying about, and trusting him to take care of. Does this mean that as a Christian I should only have “positive” emotions? No! I will experience the ups and downs of life just like any human being. But I will “fix my eyes on Jesus” and not on my circumstances, “so that I will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Hebrews 12:2-3)

When I fear being alone, God says repeatedly, “I am with you.” My favorite verse for this is Joshua 1:9: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” And Jesus tells us the same thing before he ascends to heaven in Matthew 28:20: “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” I also remember Hagar, the slave of Abram’s wife, Sarai. She finds herself running away from Sarai’s mistreatment, pregnant with Abram’s child (because Sarai and Abram felt they needed to “help” God out with giving them a child), lost and alone in the desert, and God seeks her out! I can only imagine what my mental state would be if I were Hagar, and how wonderful it would feel to have God show up in the midst of my struggle and give me guidance on what I should do. But here’s the thing – He still does that! I have found myself being rescued and counseled by God on more than one desperate occasion. He is with you, He sees you, He knows you, and He loves you unconditionally!

When I am second-guessing every decision I’ve ever made and wondering if my whole entire life has been totally screwed up by me, I go to Acts 17:26: “From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands.” I am exactly where I am supposed to be and so are you.

The Bible says over and over and over again, “Do not be afraid.” Fear is a liar, but Jesus is the truth, the life, and the way, and the truth will set you free! (John 14:6 and John 8:32)