Dear Mothers Whose Children Are Grown

Dear Mothers Whose Children Are Grown,

What do you mean when you say, “They grow up so fast! Enjoy it while you can!” as I am struggling with my screaming children in public? What do you mean when you share a post on social media that tells me to “Read as many books as they want, let them sleep with you when they want, because soon they will be grown!” Do you mean to say that we should indulge our children’s every wish because one day we will be old and lonely and wish for these days to return? Do you mean to say that we should have no boundaries or rules? Or that if we do, we should not enforce them? Do you mean to say that during long days and long nights, we should never think of how we need to take care of ourselves? Or do you maybe mean that you hope we can let the trivial things of life go and just be grateful for the life we have been given? Do you maybe mean that you hope we can live in the moment, and not worry so much about the future, or what’s for dinner, or what our house looks like?

Dear Mothers Whose Children Are Grown, I don’t want to be overly sensitive, but when I hear and read those words, they sting. And I say to myself, maybe I have been too strict. Maybe I have been too hard on them, maybe I have not given them enough love. How dare I say no to those sweet faces? How can I say no to one more book? How can I say no to crawling into bed with me? What kind of cruel person am I? The Mothers Whose Children Are Grown must be right. You have more experience than me. You must know what you’re talking about. So what is wrong with me, that I don’t want to read one more book, or let them jump into my bed in the middle of the night? Maybe I am a horrible mother!

And then I cry. I cry because I know you are definitely right about them growing so fast. I know that it seems that I blinked and they are halfway through childhood, while at the same time feeling like they should be 25 by now. I know for sure that the days are long and the years are short. But I don’t know for sure how to find a balance between spoiling them with all the love I feel and training them well and taking care of myself and the house and being a wife and a friend and a functioning human being.

Then I look at my children. If they are being good and quiet, I think, yes, you are right! I have not been a good mother. I have not indulged these angels enough! But if they are being loud and obnoxious, I think, no, you are wrong! I have not been a good mother. I have indulged them too much! They are already spoiled. How can I ever be at peace?

So, Mothers Whose Children Are Grown, please remember us, we who are where you once were. Please give us your wisdom, without giving us more guilt. I hope that your fondness for being in the trenches of motherhood means that I will only remember the good things, and let go of the hard things. But I hope that I will look back and remember the hard things too, so that I will know how to give comfort to younger mothers who are struggling. I hope I will remember that the days are long and the years are short. So I will tell young mothers to take it one minute at a time. I will tell them to make time for themselves while they are taking care of everyone else. I will tell them to set boundaries and rules and require obedience. I will tell them to follow through with consequences. I will tell them to ask for help, and I will offer it. I will tell them to take lots of pictures and live in the moment. I will tell them to be grateful for the moments of beauty that pop up amidst the drudgery of life. I will tell them that everything is going to be ok. I will tell them that they are a good mom.

2020 Essentials: Thriving in Chaos

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but 2020 has been weird. Not just sort of weird, REALLY weird. And not just weird for some people, but weird for EVERYONE. The global pandemic is something I never imagined experiencing in my lifetime. Pandemics were things we read about in history books, not the local news. Like the rest of the world, 2020 has been weird for our family too. But every year feels weird for our family. We are a military homeschooling family. We moved to Japan in February, right before the world shut down. My husband left for quarantine and deployment at the end of April. And my kids and I are just sittin’ here, waitin’ to be able to go to Tokyo (hasn’t happened yet because of COVID-19). Maybe you’ve seen the meme going around social media about military families: “Getting our plans screwed up by the government before it was cool.” We never know what’s going on, we rarely know what day it is, and we’re never too sure what we’ll be doing in the future. While some people thrive in this environment, I, being an anxiety-ridden planner and control freak, have felt the military lifestyle drive me absolutely insane over the last 17 years. And then, when God called us to homeschool five years ago and brought us down the path of non-traditional learning, my insanity quadrupled. “What do you mean they don’t have to learn certain things at certain times? What do you mean life can be whatever we want it to be? What do you mean we don’t have to follow anyone else’s rules?” The freedom can sometimes feel totally liberating and totally suffocating at the same time.

The questions that I have been forced to ask myself over the past several years of building a life that is completely different than what I envisioned are the questions that many people are asking themselves now, as a result of the chaos of 2020. I don’t know how long this “new normal” will last for any of us, but I want to encourage you! It is hard, but you can do hard things. It is different, but you can learn new things. It is unpredictable, but you can be flexible. So here are some of the questions I have had to ask myself, and do some serious soul-searching (and Bible-reading) to find my answers. I hope that they will help you find your questions and your answers too.

1. What am I building my life upon? When this question first came up in my mind, I was sad to admit that the answer was accomplishments, awards, and the praise of others. I was a people-pleaser. I had spent my entire life trying to fulfill every goal other people said I should. I tried to be the best at everything I did, even if I didn’t enjoy it or drove myself crazy attaining it. I got a 4.0 in college but made zero friends outside of my job at the university library. That was pretty much the story of my entire life. Stressed out perfectionism: trying to prove to myself and the world that I was capable and worthy. What I try to build my life upon now is God’s kingdom – where I don’t have to be capable or worthy, because He will equip me to do whatever He has planned. So what are you building your life upon right now? “The wise man builds his house upon the rock.” - Matthew 7:24-27

2. Who is in control? My old answer to this would have been ME. I felt completely responsible for everything and everyone. I had to save the entire world every day. I had to be a good example for others and if they still didn’t get it, I had to tell them what they were doing wrong. If I had a problem, it must have been because of something I did to cause it. If only I had made the right decision, these things wouldn’t be happening to me, right?! It was exhausting. Finally I found out the truth: I am not, in fact, in control of anything but myself, nor am I the savior of the world. But God is in control of the world and Jesus is the Savior of the world. So I don’t have to worry. I can trust and not be afraid. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

3. What is the source of my joy? Unfortunately, my answer to this for the longest time was my circumstances, my routine, and my productivity. It’s taken years of therapy, prayer, Bible studies, 12 step studies, and soul-searching to make any changes here. But the truth is, most of us humans want things our way and when we don’t get it, we’re unhappy. Keeping my focus on God’s fulfilled promises and the promise of heaven is a daily mental battle for me. My mind naturally goes to the negative – the things I need to “fix.” But daily gratitude lists, daily devotions, daily prayer, and daily devoting myself to passing on the knowledge of God to my kids keeps reminding me that I can find joy, contentment, and happiness when I am looking for it. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” – Philippians 4:4

4. Who am I trying to please? Sometimes it was my family, sometimes friends, sometimes enemies, sometimes co-workers, sometimes my husband, sometimes my kids…but all of these turned out to be wrong. People are fallible. God is infallible. People get things wrong and make mistakes. God never gets things wrong or makes mistakes. When I have a question, I need to take it to God first. Many times the voices of the world are deafening and overwhelming. And most of the time, they are wrong. This has come up a lot for me when it comes to homeschooling. Sometimes I feel crushed by the pressure for my kids to succeed. But that’s what happens when I worry about the world’s standards instead of God’s standards. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

5. What is essential? This is a really hard one! And it usually leads to more questions. It is an ongoing process for me, as the answer constantly changes. I try to start with the most basic things and build from there. What has God called me to do? What are the needs of my (and my family’s) mind, body, and soul, and how do I meet them? What are my goals and dreams? What habits can help me get there? What can I do daily, weekly, monthly, yearly to reach them, and to do God’s will? If you can’t answer these questions yet, spend some time getting to know yourself and God first. “…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” – Ephesians 4:4

6. What do I need to do to take care of myself? This one is a lot like the last one – always a work in progress! It goes hand in hand with finding out what is essential. What is self-care? It is knowing what you need to do to love yourself and keep your sanity. It is knowing yourself well enough to know how you’re feeling and how to respond to those feelings. It is knowing when to say yes, when to say no, and when to rest. It is learning how to trust yourself and your intuition. It is being able to enjoy time alone. It is knowing exactly what you would do with free time or what your hobbies are. It is nurturing healthy relationships and cutting unhealthy relationships out. It is setting healthy boundaries for yourself. “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” – Ephesians 4:22-24

7. Can my kids thrive in a non-traditional learning environment? Short answer: heck yes! Long answer: Humans are constantly learning, every second of every day. Can’t stop, won’t stop. Billions of people throughout history did not attend an organized institution of learning, and we’re still here. If you liked your old normal and your old routine, keep doing that! And if you’re unable to do that old routine now because of COVID-19, just know that this won’t last forever, and your kids won’t be behind on anything just because they’re not doing their normal school routine. But if the changes you have encountered are making you question your old routine and question sending your kids back to school, do some research, talk to some homeschool families, and talk to God about making a leap of faith. (I get it! It took me four years to commit to homeschooling!) “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” – Colossians 2:2-3

Dear Younger Me

Dear Younger Me,

You are loved. You are loved by your family. You are loved by God. You are loved by your friends. You are loved just for being you, not because you are useful, helpful, or easy to get along with. You are loved even when you make mistakes. You are loved even when you don’t know the right thing to do or say.

If someone hurts you, you can talk to them about it. You can forgive them and move on.

If you hurt someone, you can talk to them about it. You can apologize and move on.

You don’t need a boyfriend until you’re like, 35. (See first paragraph. You ARE loved.)

You don’t need friends that are exactly like you, but you do need friends that truly love you and care about you.

Working hard is good. Having fun is also good. Find a balance.

Put God first. Not your friends, not your family, not your goals, not the expectations of yourself, others, or the world.

Speaking of boyfriends and God, you don’t even have to look for a boyfriend. You do need to look for God. Trust God to bring you the right boy at the right time.

You don’t have to save anyone. Not yourself, not anyone else. That’s what Jesus does.

Compare yourself only to your former self.

Hang out with old people as much as you can.

Figure out how to enjoy time alone and what you like to do for fun.

Don’t be so agreeable that you have no opinions.

Don’t be so opinionated that you have no friends.

Don’t try to be cool, try to be authentic.

Say what you need to say, and nothing more or less.

If anyone pressures you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, they’re not healthy for you. Find someone else to hang out with. Or date. (But remember you don’t need a boyfriend till you’re 35. See above.)

You don’t have to try so hard.

There’s not always a “right” thing to do, but there is usually a “right” thing to do for you. And you get to decide what that is.

Some people will dislike you because they think you’re better than them. Some people will dislike you because they think they’re better than you. Some people will dislike you because you’re different than them. Some people will just dislike you because they can. This is their problem, not yours.

Be the kind of person you want to be, regardless of the situation. Others’ bad choices don’t justify your bad choices.

You’re not the only person who’s NOT getting drunk, high, or sleeping around. (Even though it seems like it.)

Don’t wait for people to invite you. Invite them to come do something with you!

Remember God’s promises: He created you, He loves you, He forgives you, He has a plan for you, He is always with you. He can take anything bad and turn it into something good. He can help you use your struggles to help others. He has already conquered the world, so you don’t have to.