2020 Essentials: Thriving in Chaos

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but 2020 has been weird. Not just sort of weird, REALLY weird. And not just weird for some people, but weird for EVERYONE. The global pandemic is something I never imagined experiencing in my lifetime. Pandemics were things we read about in history books, not the local news. Like the rest of the world, 2020 has been weird for our family too. But every year feels weird for our family. We are a military homeschooling family. We moved to Japan in February, right before the world shut down. My husband left for quarantine and deployment at the end of April. And my kids and I are just sittin’ here, waitin’ to be able to go to Tokyo (hasn’t happened yet because of COVID-19). Maybe you’ve seen the meme going around social media about military families: “Getting our plans screwed up by the government before it was cool.” We never know what’s going on, we rarely know what day it is, and we’re never too sure what we’ll be doing in the future. While some people thrive in this environment, I, being an anxiety-ridden planner and control freak, have felt the military lifestyle drive me absolutely insane over the last 17 years. And then, when God called us to homeschool five years ago and brought us down the path of non-traditional learning, my insanity quadrupled. “What do you mean they don’t have to learn certain things at certain times? What do you mean life can be whatever we want it to be? What do you mean we don’t have to follow anyone else’s rules?” The freedom can sometimes feel totally liberating and totally suffocating at the same time.

The questions that I have been forced to ask myself over the past several years of building a life that is completely different than what I envisioned are the questions that many people are asking themselves now, as a result of the chaos of 2020. I don’t know how long this “new normal” will last for any of us, but I want to encourage you! It is hard, but you can do hard things. It is different, but you can learn new things. It is unpredictable, but you can be flexible. So here are some of the questions I have had to ask myself, and do some serious soul-searching (and Bible-reading) to find my answers. I hope that they will help you find your questions and your answers too.

1. What am I building my life upon? When this question first came up in my mind, I was sad to admit that the answer was accomplishments, awards, and the praise of others. I was a people-pleaser. I had spent my entire life trying to fulfill every goal other people said I should. I tried to be the best at everything I did, even if I didn’t enjoy it or drove myself crazy attaining it. I got a 4.0 in college but made zero friends outside of my job at the university library. That was pretty much the story of my entire life. Stressed out perfectionism: trying to prove to myself and the world that I was capable and worthy. What I try to build my life upon now is God’s kingdom – where I don’t have to be capable or worthy, because He will equip me to do whatever He has planned. So what are you building your life upon right now? “The wise man builds his house upon the rock.” - Matthew 7:24-27

2. Who is in control? My old answer to this would have been ME. I felt completely responsible for everything and everyone. I had to save the entire world every day. I had to be a good example for others and if they still didn’t get it, I had to tell them what they were doing wrong. If I had a problem, it must have been because of something I did to cause it. If only I had made the right decision, these things wouldn’t be happening to me, right?! It was exhausting. Finally I found out the truth: I am not, in fact, in control of anything but myself, nor am I the savior of the world. But God is in control of the world and Jesus is the Savior of the world. So I don’t have to worry. I can trust and not be afraid. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

3. What is the source of my joy? Unfortunately, my answer to this for the longest time was my circumstances, my routine, and my productivity. It’s taken years of therapy, prayer, Bible studies, 12 step studies, and soul-searching to make any changes here. But the truth is, most of us humans want things our way and when we don’t get it, we’re unhappy. Keeping my focus on God’s fulfilled promises and the promise of heaven is a daily mental battle for me. My mind naturally goes to the negative – the things I need to “fix.” But daily gratitude lists, daily devotions, daily prayer, and daily devoting myself to passing on the knowledge of God to my kids keeps reminding me that I can find joy, contentment, and happiness when I am looking for it. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” – Philippians 4:4

4. Who am I trying to please? Sometimes it was my family, sometimes friends, sometimes enemies, sometimes co-workers, sometimes my husband, sometimes my kids…but all of these turned out to be wrong. People are fallible. God is infallible. People get things wrong and make mistakes. God never gets things wrong or makes mistakes. When I have a question, I need to take it to God first. Many times the voices of the world are deafening and overwhelming. And most of the time, they are wrong. This has come up a lot for me when it comes to homeschooling. Sometimes I feel crushed by the pressure for my kids to succeed. But that’s what happens when I worry about the world’s standards instead of God’s standards. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

5. What is essential? This is a really hard one! And it usually leads to more questions. It is an ongoing process for me, as the answer constantly changes. I try to start with the most basic things and build from there. What has God called me to do? What are the needs of my (and my family’s) mind, body, and soul, and how do I meet them? What are my goals and dreams? What habits can help me get there? What can I do daily, weekly, monthly, yearly to reach them, and to do God’s will? If you can’t answer these questions yet, spend some time getting to know yourself and God first. “…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” – Ephesians 4:4

6. What do I need to do to take care of myself? This one is a lot like the last one – always a work in progress! It goes hand in hand with finding out what is essential. What is self-care? It is knowing what you need to do to love yourself and keep your sanity. It is knowing yourself well enough to know how you’re feeling and how to respond to those feelings. It is knowing when to say yes, when to say no, and when to rest. It is learning how to trust yourself and your intuition. It is being able to enjoy time alone. It is knowing exactly what you would do with free time or what your hobbies are. It is nurturing healthy relationships and cutting unhealthy relationships out. It is setting healthy boundaries for yourself. “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” – Ephesians 4:22-24

7. Can my kids thrive in a non-traditional learning environment? Short answer: heck yes! Long answer: Humans are constantly learning, every second of every day. Can’t stop, won’t stop. Billions of people throughout history did not attend an organized institution of learning, and we’re still here. If you liked your old normal and your old routine, keep doing that! And if you’re unable to do that old routine now because of COVID-19, just know that this won’t last forever, and your kids won’t be behind on anything just because they’re not doing their normal school routine. But if the changes you have encountered are making you question your old routine and question sending your kids back to school, do some research, talk to some homeschool families, and talk to God about making a leap of faith. (I get it! It took me four years to commit to homeschooling!) “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” – Colossians 2:2-3

2019

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” –Romans 8:28

It’s been awhile since I did any writing. I started in October with a goal of doing a weekly blog. That didn’t last long. I really spiraled out of control in November and December. Two trips home in two months, planning a Christmas party for a club my husband is in, and doing several craft shows on top of the usual Christmas chaos was way too much for me. And I still said yes to all of it. “Sure!” I said. “I’m fine!” I said. “I can do that!” I said. “Nobody else is going to do it,” I said.

The day we left to drive back to our current home after Christmas at our childhood homes, I was afflicted with what I like to call “the crud.” This is what happens to me at various times of the year when my sinuses are tired of putting up with whatever environment I’m in and decide to revolt.  Sometimes it’s because of pollen, sometimes it’s because of frequent weather changes, this time it seems they were triggered by smoke. Smoke from wood heat at our parents’ houses and smoke from my in-laws’ cigarettes. I could feel it building up inside my face all week while we were there, and as soon as we hit the road for our 10-hour trip, it all started coming out. I felt bad for about 10 days, which normally would drive me nuts, but because I was so exhausted from the whole year and so ready for Christmas vacation, it turned out to be a glorious time of rest, relaxation, and revelation.

For that 10 days, I slept in and watched movies and ate takeout food and took naps and did NOT feel guilty! Now there were a few times where I HAD to get up and do something. Like unpack our trip stuff so we could actually walk through the house or clean off my desk to find a random receipt my husband needed to return something. But once I did something like that I usually felt so tired I couldn’t see straight so I’d just go right back to watching a movie or taking a nap. And NOT feeling guilty. It was amazing.

When Christmas vacation was over, I was feeling mostly better. But I did not want to lose that peaceful feeling of taking care of myself and being guilt-free. I also wanted to start doing my annual review of the previous year and goals for the new year. So God was setting me up perfectly, as usual. As I thought about 2018, I thought of stress. Stress over homeschooling, stress over my marriage, stress over myself, stress over extra projects I took on, stress over housework, stress over my art, lots of STRESS. Which told me I was definitely NOT taking care of myself well all year long. And if I don’t take care of myself, no one else will. So here are some of the major problems I see in my thinking in 2018:

1)      Taking on too many projects. Sometimes I need to say no! “No” is a complete sentence. I have choices.

2)      Not asking for help when I need it. When I take on worthy projects, I have to let go of some other responsibilities or I’m gonna be stretched too thin. And when it’s an average day and I’m feeling overwhelmed, I still need to ask for help.

3)      Putting my personal needs last. On a daily level, I usually saved up things I wanted to do till the end of the day when my kids had gone to bed. This left me with zero energy for the things that would refresh me. Usually defeated the purpose. Looking at the big picture, I put working on my mental/spiritual/emotional/physical health behind all the other obligations I had in my life, and therefore didn’t make much progress at all.

4)      Comparing myself to others. This is always a big one for me! Compare yourself only to your former self, compare yourself only to your former self, compare yourself only to your former self…

5)      Listening to the mean/negative voices in my head. Be gone Satan! I must stop letting these thoughts beat me down. The most prevailing lies Satan tells me are that I’m not good enough, I’m not doing enough, and that things are going wrong because I messed up or didn’t try hard enough. And on top of these is the GUILT for anything and everything I say and do! Always feeling like I should be doing something other than what I’m doing. Feeling I should be somewhere else. Feeling I should be more present with where I am. And escaping these thoughts with mind-numbing activities that are not healthy for me! TV, social media, food, anything but God and the truth. Is it wrong to enjoy these things? No! But when I use them to check out of life and avoid dealing with what’s going on inside my head, they become idols.

6)      Stuffing my feelings. This has been a lifelong problem and it has got to stop! This leads to all the bad stuff from the mean voices in #5.

7)      People-pleasing. This never ends well. Who should I be trying to please? Only God!

8)      Admitting when I’m wrong. This is a lot easier for me than it used to be, but I need to be doing at least a daily inventory of myself to see if I need to make amends for anything. Especially with my husband and my kids.

9)      Perfectionism. Jesus was the only perfect human, and I ain’t him. I have to stop striving for these idealistic scenes of life I set up in my mind. I must let go of every expectation that does not come from God.

10)   Praying for what I want instead of what God wants. This is a sign to me that I have still not completely surrendered to God. If I am telling him what I want, it means I think I know better than he does about what’s best for me and I am still trying to be in control. If I can ask him to show me his will, I am fully trusting him to be in control of my life and completely ready to be obedient to his command. This is not to say that I should not talk to him about my thoughts and feelings, but that I accept that he may disagree with me, that I trust that his way is better, and I trust that he will show me how to accomplish whatever he commands.

I am so thankful for the clarity God has been giving me lately! He has opened my eyes to so many things that have been hidden in the darkness for years. I pray that I will continue to be open to his guidance. But I can also be thankful for all this “bad” stuff from last year because it’s what will lead me to the “good” stuff in the future. God can take all of our trouble and turn it in to something beautiful if we are willing to trust him.

More verses:

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” –Romans 5:3-5

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” –James 1:2-4

Quality Time

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of God with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

-Hebrews 4:14-16

It’s very easy to for me to get overwhelmed with life. Most of the time I’m just trying to keep up with the daily grind. Add an extra event or activity and I have to really focus to stay on top of things. Add any more than that and I’m completely frazzled. This week we had lots of extras. My mental acuity has gone out the window at this point. I feel like a spastic squirrel.

Usually when this happens, taking care of myself is one of the first things to get pushed to the wayside. And one of the things I know I need to do to take care of myself is to spend some time with God each day, reading my 12 Step literature, devotional, and Bible. I’m thankful to say that at this point in my life, I do this almost every weekday. This hasn’t always been a part of my routine or even a goal of mine, but I have learned that it is vital to keeping my peace of mind. When I first started trying to incorporate this time with God into my routine, it was more of a chore. It was something I felt like I “should” do, but didn’t really want to do. But one day I read in my “Jesus Calling” devotional that God wanted me to enjoy that time with him and look forward to it, instead of dreading it or doing it out of obligation. And that really changed my perspective. When I approached it that way, it really became a blessing and a highlight of my day.

Now even though I do appreciate that time, when I get stressed, it starts to slip out of my routine. I start running around like crazy, trying to do 15 things at once and feeling like I’m getting nothing done at all. I feel like I can’t sit down and let one second of “productive” time slip away. That’s what happened to me this week. It’s Wednesday and I don’t think I’ve done my quiet time with God since last Thursday or Friday. In the past, I have let this become a wedge between me and God. I felt like a little kid who had done something wrong and was too embarrassed to face their parent. So I would go even longer without making time for God, and put even more distance between us, all the while feeling more and more guilt and shame and loneliness.

Over time, as I have gotten to know myself and God better, I can more easily recognize when I am slacking off in this area, and I know that God is not waiting to scold me, but that he is eagerly waiting for this time with me, his beloved child. I know that I can “approach the throne of God with confidence,” because he loves me no matter what. And because he knows what it’s like to be human. I can talk to him about what’s been going on in my life and keeping me so busy. I can ask him to guide me through whatever is happening. The more I practice this, instead of my old habit of hiding in shame, the easier it is to pick up right where I left off after a few days of craziness.

So is there anything that has been keeping you from spending time with God? Remember that nothing can separate you from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39). Nothing you’ve done or have failed to or have done poorly. God is always ready to enjoy some time with you. All you have to do is show up.