“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” –Romans 8:28
It’s been awhile since I did any writing. I started in October with a goal of doing a weekly blog. That didn’t last long. I really spiraled out of control in November and December. Two trips home in two months, planning a Christmas party for a club my husband is in, and doing several craft shows on top of the usual Christmas chaos was way too much for me. And I still said yes to all of it. “Sure!” I said. “I’m fine!” I said. “I can do that!” I said. “Nobody else is going to do it,” I said.
The day we left to drive back to our current home after Christmas at our childhood homes, I was afflicted with what I like to call “the crud.” This is what happens to me at various times of the year when my sinuses are tired of putting up with whatever environment I’m in and decide to revolt. Sometimes it’s because of pollen, sometimes it’s because of frequent weather changes, this time it seems they were triggered by smoke. Smoke from wood heat at our parents’ houses and smoke from my in-laws’ cigarettes. I could feel it building up inside my face all week while we were there, and as soon as we hit the road for our 10-hour trip, it all started coming out. I felt bad for about 10 days, which normally would drive me nuts, but because I was so exhausted from the whole year and so ready for Christmas vacation, it turned out to be a glorious time of rest, relaxation, and revelation.
For that 10 days, I slept in and watched movies and ate takeout food and took naps and did NOT feel guilty! Now there were a few times where I HAD to get up and do something. Like unpack our trip stuff so we could actually walk through the house or clean off my desk to find a random receipt my husband needed to return something. But once I did something like that I usually felt so tired I couldn’t see straight so I’d just go right back to watching a movie or taking a nap. And NOT feeling guilty. It was amazing.
When Christmas vacation was over, I was feeling mostly better. But I did not want to lose that peaceful feeling of taking care of myself and being guilt-free. I also wanted to start doing my annual review of the previous year and goals for the new year. So God was setting me up perfectly, as usual. As I thought about 2018, I thought of stress. Stress over homeschooling, stress over my marriage, stress over myself, stress over extra projects I took on, stress over housework, stress over my art, lots of STRESS. Which told me I was definitely NOT taking care of myself well all year long. And if I don’t take care of myself, no one else will. So here are some of the major problems I see in my thinking in 2018:
1) Taking on too many projects. Sometimes I need to say no! “No” is a complete sentence. I have choices.
2) Not asking for help when I need it. When I take on worthy projects, I have to let go of some other responsibilities or I’m gonna be stretched too thin. And when it’s an average day and I’m feeling overwhelmed, I still need to ask for help.
3) Putting my personal needs last. On a daily level, I usually saved up things I wanted to do till the end of the day when my kids had gone to bed. This left me with zero energy for the things that would refresh me. Usually defeated the purpose. Looking at the big picture, I put working on my mental/spiritual/emotional/physical health behind all the other obligations I had in my life, and therefore didn’t make much progress at all.
4) Comparing myself to others. This is always a big one for me! Compare yourself only to your former self, compare yourself only to your former self, compare yourself only to your former self…
5) Listening to the mean/negative voices in my head. Be gone Satan! I must stop letting these thoughts beat me down. The most prevailing lies Satan tells me are that I’m not good enough, I’m not doing enough, and that things are going wrong because I messed up or didn’t try hard enough. And on top of these is the GUILT for anything and everything I say and do! Always feeling like I should be doing something other than what I’m doing. Feeling I should be somewhere else. Feeling I should be more present with where I am. And escaping these thoughts with mind-numbing activities that are not healthy for me! TV, social media, food, anything but God and the truth. Is it wrong to enjoy these things? No! But when I use them to check out of life and avoid dealing with what’s going on inside my head, they become idols.
6) Stuffing my feelings. This has been a lifelong problem and it has got to stop! This leads to all the bad stuff from the mean voices in #5.
7) People-pleasing. This never ends well. Who should I be trying to please? Only God!
8) Admitting when I’m wrong. This is a lot easier for me than it used to be, but I need to be doing at least a daily inventory of myself to see if I need to make amends for anything. Especially with my husband and my kids.
9) Perfectionism. Jesus was the only perfect human, and I ain’t him. I have to stop striving for these idealistic scenes of life I set up in my mind. I must let go of every expectation that does not come from God.
10) Praying for what I want instead of what God wants. This is a sign to me that I have still not completely surrendered to God. If I am telling him what I want, it means I think I know better than he does about what’s best for me and I am still trying to be in control. If I can ask him to show me his will, I am fully trusting him to be in control of my life and completely ready to be obedient to his command. This is not to say that I should not talk to him about my thoughts and feelings, but that I accept that he may disagree with me, that I trust that his way is better, and I trust that he will show me how to accomplish whatever he commands.
I am so thankful for the clarity God has been giving me lately! He has opened my eyes to so many things that have been hidden in the darkness for years. I pray that I will continue to be open to his guidance. But I can also be thankful for all this “bad” stuff from last year because it’s what will lead me to the “good” stuff in the future. God can take all of our trouble and turn it in to something beautiful if we are willing to trust him.
More verses:
“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” –Romans 5:3-5
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” –James 1:2-4
