2019

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” –Romans 8:28

 

It’s been awhile since I did any writing. I started in October with a goal of doing a weekly blog. That didn’t last long. I really spiraled out of control in November and December. Two trips home in two months, planning a Christmas party for a club my husband is in, and doing several craft shows on top of the usual Christmas chaos was way too much for me. And I still said yes to all of it. “Sure!” I said. “I’m fine!” I said. “I can do that!” I said. “Nobody else is going to do it,” I said.

The day we left to drive back to our current home after Christmas at our childhood homes, I was afflicted with what I like to call “the crud.” This is what happens to me at various times of the year when my sinuses are tired of putting up with whatever environment I’m in and decide to revolt.  Sometimes it’s because of pollen, sometimes it’s because of frequent weather changes, this time it seems they were triggered by smoke. Smoke from wood heat at our parents’ houses and smoke from my in-laws’ cigarettes. I could feel it building up inside my face all week while we were there, and as soon as we hit the road for our 10-hour trip, it all started coming out. I felt bad for about 10 days, which normally would drive me nuts, but because I was so exhausted from the whole year and so ready for Christmas vacation, it turned out to be a glorious time of rest, relaxation, and revelation.

For that 10 days, I slept in and watched movies and ate takeout food and took naps and did NOT feel guilty! Now there were a few times where I HAD to get up and do something. Like unpack our trip stuff so we could actually walk through the house or clean off my desk to find a random receipt my husband needed to return something. But once I did something like that I usually felt so tired I couldn’t see straight so I’d just go right back to watching a movie or taking a nap. And NOT feeling guilty. It was amazing.

When Christmas vacation was over, I was feeling mostly better. But I did not want to lose that peaceful feeling of taking care of myself and being guilt-free. I also wanted to start doing my annual review of the previous year and goals for the new year. So God was setting me up perfectly, as usual. As I thought about 2018, I thought of stress. Stress over homeschooling, stress over my marriage, stress over myself, stress over extra projects I took on, stress over housework, stress over my art, lots of STRESS. Which told me I was definitely NOT taking care of myself well all year long. And if I don’t take care of myself, no one else will. So here are some of the major problems I see in my thinking in 2018:

1)      Taking on too many projects. Sometimes I need to say no! “No” is a complete sentence. I have choices.

2)      Not asking for help when I need it. When I take on worthy projects, I have to let go of some other responsibilities or I’m gonna be stretched too thin. And when it’s an average day and I’m feeling overwhelmed, I still need to ask for help.

3)      Putting my personal needs last. On a daily level, I usually saved up things I wanted to do till the end of the day when my kids had gone to bed. This left me with zero energy for the things that would refresh me. Usually defeated the purpose. Looking at the big picture, I put working on my mental/spiritual/emotional/physical health behind all the other obligations I had in my life, and therefore didn’t make much progress at all.

4)      Comparing myself to others. This is always a big one for me! Compare yourself only to your former self, compare yourself only to your former self, compare yourself only to your former self…

5)      Listening to the mean/negative voices in my head. Be gone Satan! I must stop letting these thoughts beat me down. The most prevailing lies Satan tells me are that I’m not good enough, I’m not doing enough, and that things are going wrong because I messed up or didn’t try hard enough. And on top of these is the GUILT for anything and everything I say and do! Always feeling like I should be doing something other than what I’m doing. Feeling I should be somewhere else. Feeling I should be more present with where I am. And escaping these thoughts with mind-numbing activities that are not healthy for me! TV, social media, food, anything but God and the truth. Is it wrong to enjoy these things? No! But when I use them to check out of life and avoid dealing with what’s going on inside my head, they become idols.

6)      Stuffing my feelings. This has been a lifelong problem and it has got to stop! This leads to all the bad stuff from the mean voices in #5.

7)      People-pleasing. This never ends well. Who should I be trying to please? Only God!

8)      Admitting when I’m wrong. This is a lot easier for me than it used to be, but I need to be doing at least a daily inventory of myself to see if I need to make amends for anything. Especially with my husband and my kids.

9)      Perfectionism. Jesus was the only perfect human, and I ain’t him. I have to stop striving for these idealistic scenes of life I set up in my mind. I must let go of every expectation that does not come from God.

10)   Praying for what I want instead of what God wants. This is a sign to me that I have still not completely surrendered to God. If I am telling him what I want, it means I think I know better than he does about what’s best for me and I am still trying to be in control. If I can ask him to show me his will, I am fully trusting him to be in control of my life and completely ready to be obedient to his command. This is not to say that I should not talk to him about my thoughts and feelings, but that I accept that he may disagree with me, that I trust that his way is better, and I trust that he will show me how to accomplish whatever he commands.

I am so thankful for the clarity God has been giving me lately! He has opened my eyes to so many things that have been hidden in the darkness for years. I pray that I will continue to be open to his guidance. But I can also be thankful for all this “bad” stuff from last year because it’s what will lead me to the “good” stuff in the future. God can take all of our trouble and turn it in to something beautiful if we are willing to trust him.

More verses:

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” –Romans 5:3-5

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” –James 1:2-4

 

Quality Time

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of God with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

-Hebrews 4:14-16

It’s very easy to for me to get overwhelmed with life. Most of the time I’m just trying to keep up with the daily grind. Add an extra event or activity and I have to really focus to stay on top of things. Add any more than that and I’m completely frazzled. This week we had lots of extras. My mental acuity has gone out the window at this point. I feel like a spastic squirrel.

Usually when this happens, taking care of myself is one of the first things to get pushed to the wayside. And one of the things I know I need to do to take care of myself is to spend some time with God each day, reading my 12 Step literature, devotional, and Bible. I’m thankful to say that at this point in my life, I do this almost every weekday. This hasn’t always been a part of my routine or even a goal of mine, but I have learned that it is vital to keeping my peace of mind. When I first started trying to incorporate this time with God into my routine, it was more of a chore. It was something I felt like I “should” do, but didn’t really want to do. But one day I read in my “Jesus Calling” devotional that God wanted me to enjoy that time with him and look forward to it, instead of dreading it or doing it out of obligation. And that really changed my perspective. When I approached it that way, it really became a blessing and a highlight of my day.

Now even though I do appreciate that time, when I get stressed, it starts to slip out of my routine. I start running around like crazy, trying to do 15 things at once and feeling like I’m getting nothing done at all. I feel like I can’t sit down and let one second of “productive” time slip away. That’s what happened to me this week. It’s Wednesday and I don’t think I’ve done my quiet time with God since last Thursday or Friday. In the past, I have let this become a wedge between me and God. I felt like a little kid who had done something wrong and was too embarrassed to face their parent. So I would go even longer without making time for God, and put even more distance between us, all the while feeling more and more guilt and shame and loneliness.

Over time, as I have gotten to know myself and God better, I can more easily recognize when I am slacking off in this area, and I know that God is not waiting to scold me, but that he is eagerly waiting for this time with me, his beloved child. I know that I can “approach the throne of God with confidence,” because he loves me no matter what. And because he knows what it’s like to be human. I can talk to him about what’s been going on in my life and keeping me so busy. I can ask him to guide me through whatever is happening. The more I practice this, instead of my old habit of hiding in shame, the easier it is to pick up right where I left off after a few days of craziness.

So is there anything that has been keeping you from spending time with God? Remember that nothing can separate you from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39). Nothing you’ve done or have failed to or have done poorly. God is always ready to enjoy some time with you. All you have to do is show up.

The Hamster Wheel

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

I struggle with anxiety. For me it’s like a little hamster lives in my brain and at certain times he just jumps on his wheel (which is filled with all my worries and negative thoughts) and he won’t get off.  So there’s a constant circle of worry, fear, shame, regret, what ifs, why nots, should’ves, and at the root of it all – “I’ll never be enough.”

The hamster was on the wheel this past weekend. It started because my daughter has had some ongoing minor health issues for the past year and Friday I decided to take her to the doctor again to try and get some new answers. I learned that I had not been given enough information on how to help her. And some of the information I had been given was wrong. But I got a new plan and was relieved to hopefully finally fix the problem. I felt better knowing that we were moving forward, but he mean voices in my head started to tell me that I was a terrible mother.  Why did I let this go on so long? How could I not know how to help her? Why hadn’t I been a better advocate for her? How could I be so harsh with her for acting out when she’s not feeling well physically? On and on it went.

Saturday and Sunday we had a big party to attend in another city for my husband’s work. And the hamster just kept running. The packing, the planning, the figuring out a schedule, the planning of meals, toys for the kids, etc. And the voices were saying, “Why didn’t you plan this out sooner? Why do you always wait till the last minute? What’s wrong with you? Other wives/moms aren’t bringing this much stuff for one night, why are you? Why do you even have this much stuff? You need to purge everything! What will people think of you at the party? They’re gonna know you’re weird and don’t fit in.”

Sunday night we got back home and my daughter threw a massive fit. And the voices were battling out how I should respond.  Later my husband and I had a big discussion about our family life. I went to bed exhausted and still the hamster kept running. I woke up at four in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep because the hamster was trying to figure out how to do all the right things so that the mean voices would stop talking.

I got up at six to go run. Running and listening to Christian music at the sea wall always helps me start my day off right. But as I began to run, I could still feel the wheel turning and the voices trying to tell me if I would just do more, be more, strive more,  I could solve all my problems. And I felt defeated. But then the words of the song playing got my attention. “Goodbye regret, goodbye alone, goodbye to emptiness, say hello to beautiful, goodbye afraid, goodbye ashamed, goodbye to hopelessness, say hello to beautiful.” It’s a song by Mercy Me called “Hello Beautiful.” And in that instant I was reminded of the lesson that God keeps giving me over and over again – I can’t fix it! Only he can.

It’s easier for me to remember this in the small moments, on ordinary days. But when challenges arise and I begin to feel overwhelmed, I quickly forget. I start to believe the lies that say I have caused all of my problems because I’m not good enough and I can fix all of my problems if I try harder. But the truth is I am not in control. God is. I can turn to him, learn to trust him, talk to him about how I’m feeling, tell him my worries, ask him to show me my next step, and then leave it in his hands. I felt much better once I remembered the truth. This is a constant battle for me – being able to listen to the truth of God over the lies in the world. The more I practice this, the easier it gets, and the less time the hamster stays on the wheel.