“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
I struggle with anxiety. For me it’s like a little hamster lives in my brain and at certain times he just jumps on his wheel (which is filled with all my worries and negative thoughts) and he won’t get off. So there’s a constant circle of worry, fear, shame, regret, what ifs, why nots, should’ves, and at the root of it all – “I’ll never be enough.”
The hamster was on the wheel this past weekend. It started because my daughter has had some ongoing minor health issues for the past year and Friday I decided to take her to the doctor again to try and get some new answers. I learned that I had not been given enough information on how to help her. And some of the information I had been given was wrong. But I got a new plan and was relieved to hopefully finally fix the problem. I felt better knowing that we were moving forward, but he mean voices in my head started to tell me that I was a terrible mother. Why did I let this go on so long? How could I not know how to help her? Why hadn’t I been a better advocate for her? How could I be so harsh with her for acting out when she’s not feeling well physically? On and on it went.
Saturday and Sunday we had a big party to attend in another city for my husband’s work. And the hamster just kept running. The packing, the planning, the figuring out a schedule, the planning of meals, toys for the kids, etc. And the voices were saying, “Why didn’t you plan this out sooner? Why do you always wait till the last minute? What’s wrong with you? Other wives/moms aren’t bringing this much stuff for one night, why are you? Why do you even have this much stuff? You need to purge everything! What will people think of you at the party? They’re gonna know you’re weird and don’t fit in.”
Sunday night we got back home and my daughter threw a massive fit. And the voices were battling out how I should respond. Later my husband and I had a big discussion about our family life. I went to bed exhausted and still the hamster kept running. I woke up at four in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep because the hamster was trying to figure out how to do all the right things so that the mean voices would stop talking.
I got up at six to go run. Running and listening to Christian music at the sea wall always helps me start my day off right. But as I began to run, I could still feel the wheel turning and the voices trying to tell me if I would just do more, be more, strive more, I could solve all my problems. And I felt defeated. But then the words of the song playing got my attention. “Goodbye regret, goodbye alone, goodbye to emptiness, say hello to beautiful, goodbye afraid, goodbye ashamed, goodbye to hopelessness, say hello to beautiful.” It’s a song by Mercy Me called “Hello Beautiful.” And in that instant I was reminded of the lesson that God keeps giving me over and over again – I can’t fix it! Only he can.
It’s easier for me to remember this in the small moments, on ordinary days. But when challenges arise and I begin to feel overwhelmed, I quickly forget. I start to believe the lies that say I have caused all of my problems because I’m not good enough and I can fix all of my problems if I try harder. But the truth is I am not in control. God is. I can turn to him, learn to trust him, talk to him about how I’m feeling, tell him my worries, ask him to show me my next step, and then leave it in his hands. I felt much better once I remembered the truth. This is a constant battle for me – being able to listen to the truth of God over the lies in the world. The more I practice this, the easier it gets, and the less time the hamster stays on the wheel.