Dear Mothers Whose Children Are Grown

Dear Mothers Whose Children Are Grown,

What do you mean when you say, “They grow up so fast! Enjoy it while you can!” as I am struggling with my screaming children in public? What do you mean when you share a post on social media that tells me to “Read as many books as they want, let them sleep with you when they want, because soon they will be grown!” Do you mean to say that we should indulge our children’s every wish because one day we will be old and lonely and wish for these days to return? Do you mean to say that we should have no boundaries or rules? Or that if we do, we should not enforce them? Do you mean to say that during long days and long nights, we should never think of how we need to take care of ourselves? Or do you maybe mean that you hope we can let the trivial things of life go and just be grateful for the life we have been given? Do you maybe mean that you hope we can live in the moment, and not worry so much about the future, or what’s for dinner, or what our house looks like?

Dear Mothers Whose Children Are Grown, I don’t want to be overly sensitive, but when I hear and read those words, they sting. And I say to myself, maybe I have been too strict. Maybe I have been too hard on them, maybe I have not given them enough love. How dare I say no to those sweet faces? How can I say no to one more book? How can I say no to crawling into bed with me? What kind of cruel person am I? The Mothers Whose Children Are Grown must be right. You have more experience than me. You must know what you’re talking about. So what is wrong with me, that I don’t want to read one more book, or let them jump into my bed in the middle of the night? Maybe I am a horrible mother!

And then I cry. I cry because I know you are definitely right about them growing so fast. I know that it seems that I blinked and they are halfway through childhood, while at the same time feeling like they should be 25 by now. I know for sure that the days are long and the years are short. But I don’t know for sure how to find a balance between spoiling them with all the love I feel and training them well and taking care of myself and the house and being a wife and a friend and a functioning human being.

Then I look at my children. If they are being good and quiet, I think, yes, you are right! I have not been a good mother. I have not indulged these angels enough! But if they are being loud and obnoxious, I think, no, you are wrong! I have not been a good mother. I have indulged them too much! They are already spoiled. How can I ever be at peace?

So, Mothers Whose Children Are Grown, please remember us, we who are where you once were. Please give us your wisdom, without giving us more guilt. I hope that your fondness for being in the trenches of motherhood means that I will only remember the good things, and let go of the hard things. But I hope that I will look back and remember the hard things too, so that I will know how to give comfort to younger mothers who are struggling. I hope I will remember that the days are long and the years are short. So I will tell young mothers to take it one minute at a time. I will tell them to make time for themselves while they are taking care of everyone else. I will tell them to set boundaries and rules and require obedience. I will tell them to follow through with consequences. I will tell them to ask for help, and I will offer it. I will tell them to take lots of pictures and live in the moment. I will tell them to be grateful for the moments of beauty that pop up amidst the drudgery of life. I will tell them that everything is going to be ok. I will tell them that they are a good mom.

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10 Years of Parenthood

So my son, my first born, my baby boy, just turned 10. And I am an emotional wreck! I really just can’t believe that he is halfway to adulthood, or that we have kept a human being alive for this long. I can’t understand how the human race has survived this long. Because raising kids is HARD. Harder than I ever could have imagined and harder than can be accurately described. It’s questioning every decision I’ve ever made on a daily basis, and trying to figure out how to be better at life, so that these new humans we made can somehow have a better life…but not TOO much better, because if they have no struggles they won’t be able to grow and learn how to cope with life. So with all my flaws and hangups and baggage, I try to parent them well enough that they won’t have so many flaws and hangups and baggage…but that leads to me focusing way too much on the wrong things, which causes both of us more flaws, hangups, and baggage. It’s a vicious cycle. (This is why we all need Jesus!)

And that thing everyone says, “The days are long but the years are short,” definitely holds true for me. I quit my job with a 120-mile-round-trip commute shortly after I found out I was pregnant, so I’ve been staying at home for almost 11 years now. After being a school-and-work-aholic since I was 5, staying at home has been a HUGE transition! Maybe someday I’ll get used to it. Probably about the time my kids are ready to move out. I like routines, and kids like routines, but sometimes people get addicted to routines, and then they can’t function when the slightest thing is different…not healthy. I like spontaneity, and kids like spontaneity, but sometimes people get addicted to spontaneity and can’t function without constant fun and action…not healthy. So I guess with parenting, just like everything else, the goal is balance. Many days the monotony is enough to drive me insane. But then those little moments where you just want to stop time because of the joy you feel happen and you are reminded what a gift you have been given.

In thinking about the past 10 years (which sometimes feel like one year and sometimes feel like 25 years), it’s easy to see how my son has changed, but most of the changes in me have been internal. I have heard motherhood described as “the highest calling” many times, and living it has been an amazing roller coaster ride. While I was nursing, changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning up messes, reading books, singing songs, and agonizing over decisions, God was working on my heart. He gave us the family unit to be a model of his love for us and the world, and I have learned so much about Him from this adventure. So here are some of the major lessons I have learned over the past decade. Some I had heard before, but didn’t understand fully until I walked through it. Some were not even on my radar, but God made them clear to me.

1) God has a plan – trust Him…you are not in control. This lesson started with my labor and delivery, and is the gift that just keeps on giving. I’m pretty stubborn by nature, and I was determined to NOT have a C-section (mostly because I’m a hypochondriac and knew how worried I’d be about my guts falling out) and preferably a natural water birth at a midwifery center. So when my baby was overdue and we went in for an ultrasound, only to be told that the baby’s estimated weight was 10 lbs., 4 oz. and they said I could go ahead and opt for a C-section or wait to see how it played out…I waited to see how it played out. Because I wanted MY way. And I ended up with 5 days of contractions that were every 5-20 minutes, therapeutic rest with morphine and Benadryl, the nurse breaking my water, Pitocin, an epidural, 4 hours of pushing, and…a C-section!

2) Whatever you’re going through, it won’t last forever. So if it’s rough, don’t give up, and if it’s good, enjoy it! Babies change so quickly! And so do toddlers, kids, teens, and humans in general. One day they eat, sleep, and poop, and the next they’re getting married. But please don’t let this “they grow up so fast” mentality make you feel guilty about setting boundaries with your kids or taking time for yourself…just try to be present in the moment.

3) God picked YOU to be your kid’s parent, not because you’re perfect, but because you’re perfect for each other. So don’t doubt yourself or your capabilities. Of course I am constantly trying to train my kids in something, but my kids have taught me so much about myself and about life in general. We drive each other nuts, we make mistakes, and we apologize and keep going. You don’t have to be perfect, because you aren’t Jesus! Just be willing to learn and admit your mistakes.

4) You know your child best, so consider all the advice and information you can, but the final decision is yours. The first hurdle we encountered with our son was his speech delay. His doctors started telling us when he was 15 months old that they thought he was behind. Now 9 years and many speech therapists later, he’s speaking just fine. But there was a lot of time in there spent agonizing on the right course of action. Sometimes I listened to the doctors and ended up changing my mind. Eventually I started doing what I thought was right and things got a lot smoother.

5) There actually is an instruction book for parenting…it’s the Bible. That’s not really what most of us want to hear though! We want quick answers, guarantees, and step by step instructions. But our God is a God of mystery, epic stories, deep thoughts, and mind-blowing lessons. He is a great author who can connect the dots in our stories like no other! So dig deep, read the Bible every day, read the Bible with your kids every day, and wait for miracles.

6) Don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. I know I already said this in #2, but it needs to be repeated! This is always a big struggle for me, but if you want to learn how to love your neighbor, you have to learn how to love yourself. Kids need to learn how to handle a “no,” how to enjoy their own company, and how to motivate themselves when they are bored.

7) “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” -Colossians 2:2-3 This is our purpose as parents. To teach our kids about God and His plan for the world. Everything else will follow. The world will tell you a million other things are more important. But how do you unlock the secrets of the universe? By getting to know the One who created the universe. Us humans really like to complicate things!

Quality Time

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of God with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

-Hebrews 4:14-16

It’s very easy to for me to get overwhelmed with life. Most of the time I’m just trying to keep up with the daily grind. Add an extra event or activity and I have to really focus to stay on top of things. Add any more than that and I’m completely frazzled. This week we had lots of extras. My mental acuity has gone out the window at this point. I feel like a spastic squirrel.

Usually when this happens, taking care of myself is one of the first things to get pushed to the wayside. And one of the things I know I need to do to take care of myself is to spend some time with God each day, reading my 12 Step literature, devotional, and Bible. I’m thankful to say that at this point in my life, I do this almost every weekday. This hasn’t always been a part of my routine or even a goal of mine, but I have learned that it is vital to keeping my peace of mind. When I first started trying to incorporate this time with God into my routine, it was more of a chore. It was something I felt like I “should” do, but didn’t really want to do. But one day I read in my “Jesus Calling” devotional that God wanted me to enjoy that time with him and look forward to it, instead of dreading it or doing it out of obligation. And that really changed my perspective. When I approached it that way, it really became a blessing and a highlight of my day.

Now even though I do appreciate that time, when I get stressed, it starts to slip out of my routine. I start running around like crazy, trying to do 15 things at once and feeling like I’m getting nothing done at all. I feel like I can’t sit down and let one second of “productive” time slip away. That’s what happened to me this week. It’s Wednesday and I don’t think I’ve done my quiet time with God since last Thursday or Friday. In the past, I have let this become a wedge between me and God. I felt like a little kid who had done something wrong and was too embarrassed to face their parent. So I would go even longer without making time for God, and put even more distance between us, all the while feeling more and more guilt and shame and loneliness.

Over time, as I have gotten to know myself and God better, I can more easily recognize when I am slacking off in this area, and I know that God is not waiting to scold me, but that he is eagerly waiting for this time with me, his beloved child. I know that I can “approach the throne of God with confidence,” because he loves me no matter what. And because he knows what it’s like to be human. I can talk to him about what’s been going on in my life and keeping me so busy. I can ask him to guide me through whatever is happening. The more I practice this, instead of my old habit of hiding in shame, the easier it is to pick up right where I left off after a few days of craziness.

So is there anything that has been keeping you from spending time with God? Remember that nothing can separate you from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39). Nothing you’ve done or have failed to or have done poorly. God is always ready to enjoy some time with you. All you have to do is show up.