2020 Essentials: Thriving in Chaos

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but 2020 has been weird. Not just sort of weird, REALLY weird. And not just weird for some people, but weird for EVERYONE. The global pandemic is something I never imagined experiencing in my lifetime. Pandemics were things we read about in history books, not the local news. Like the rest of the world, 2020 has been weird for our family too. But every year feels weird for our family. We are a military homeschooling family. We moved to Japan in February, right before the world shut down. My husband left for quarantine and deployment at the end of April. And my kids and I are just sittin’ here, waitin’ to be able to go to Tokyo (hasn’t happened yet because of COVID-19). Maybe you’ve seen the meme going around social media about military families: “Getting our plans screwed up by the government before it was cool.” We never know what’s going on, we rarely know what day it is, and we’re never too sure what we’ll be doing in the future. While some people thrive in this environment, I, being an anxiety-ridden planner and control freak, have felt the military lifestyle drive me absolutely insane over the last 17 years. And then, when God called us to homeschool five years ago and brought us down the path of non-traditional learning, my insanity quadrupled. “What do you mean they don’t have to learn certain things at certain times? What do you mean life can be whatever we want it to be? What do you mean we don’t have to follow anyone else’s rules?” The freedom can sometimes feel totally liberating and totally suffocating at the same time.

The questions that I have been forced to ask myself over the past several years of building a life that is completely different than what I envisioned are the questions that many people are asking themselves now, as a result of the chaos of 2020. I don’t know how long this “new normal” will last for any of us, but I want to encourage you! It is hard, but you can do hard things. It is different, but you can learn new things. It is unpredictable, but you can be flexible. So here are some of the questions I have had to ask myself, and do some serious soul-searching (and Bible-reading) to find my answers. I hope that they will help you find your questions and your answers too.

1. What am I building my life upon? When this question first came up in my mind, I was sad to admit that the answer was accomplishments, awards, and the praise of others. I was a people-pleaser. I had spent my entire life trying to fulfill every goal other people said I should. I tried to be the best at everything I did, even if I didn’t enjoy it or drove myself crazy attaining it. I got a 4.0 in college but made zero friends outside of my job at the university library. That was pretty much the story of my entire life. Stressed out perfectionism: trying to prove to myself and the world that I was capable and worthy. What I try to build my life upon now is God’s kingdom – where I don’t have to be capable or worthy, because He will equip me to do whatever He has planned. So what are you building your life upon right now? “The wise man builds his house upon the rock.” - Matthew 7:24-27

2. Who is in control? My old answer to this would have been ME. I felt completely responsible for everything and everyone. I had to save the entire world every day. I had to be a good example for others and if they still didn’t get it, I had to tell them what they were doing wrong. If I had a problem, it must have been because of something I did to cause it. If only I had made the right decision, these things wouldn’t be happening to me, right?! It was exhausting. Finally I found out the truth: I am not, in fact, in control of anything but myself, nor am I the savior of the world. But God is in control of the world and Jesus is the Savior of the world. So I don’t have to worry. I can trust and not be afraid. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

3. What is the source of my joy? Unfortunately, my answer to this for the longest time was my circumstances, my routine, and my productivity. It’s taken years of therapy, prayer, Bible studies, 12 step studies, and soul-searching to make any changes here. But the truth is, most of us humans want things our way and when we don’t get it, we’re unhappy. Keeping my focus on God’s fulfilled promises and the promise of heaven is a daily mental battle for me. My mind naturally goes to the negative – the things I need to “fix.” But daily gratitude lists, daily devotions, daily prayer, and daily devoting myself to passing on the knowledge of God to my kids keeps reminding me that I can find joy, contentment, and happiness when I am looking for it. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” – Philippians 4:4

4. Who am I trying to please? Sometimes it was my family, sometimes friends, sometimes enemies, sometimes co-workers, sometimes my husband, sometimes my kids…but all of these turned out to be wrong. People are fallible. God is infallible. People get things wrong and make mistakes. God never gets things wrong or makes mistakes. When I have a question, I need to take it to God first. Many times the voices of the world are deafening and overwhelming. And most of the time, they are wrong. This has come up a lot for me when it comes to homeschooling. Sometimes I feel crushed by the pressure for my kids to succeed. But that’s what happens when I worry about the world’s standards instead of God’s standards. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

5. What is essential? This is a really hard one! And it usually leads to more questions. It is an ongoing process for me, as the answer constantly changes. I try to start with the most basic things and build from there. What has God called me to do? What are the needs of my (and my family’s) mind, body, and soul, and how do I meet them? What are my goals and dreams? What habits can help me get there? What can I do daily, weekly, monthly, yearly to reach them, and to do God’s will? If you can’t answer these questions yet, spend some time getting to know yourself and God first. “…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” – Ephesians 4:4

6. What do I need to do to take care of myself? This one is a lot like the last one – always a work in progress! It goes hand in hand with finding out what is essential. What is self-care? It is knowing what you need to do to love yourself and keep your sanity. It is knowing yourself well enough to know how you’re feeling and how to respond to those feelings. It is knowing when to say yes, when to say no, and when to rest. It is learning how to trust yourself and your intuition. It is being able to enjoy time alone. It is knowing exactly what you would do with free time or what your hobbies are. It is nurturing healthy relationships and cutting unhealthy relationships out. It is setting healthy boundaries for yourself. “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” – Ephesians 4:22-24

7. Can my kids thrive in a non-traditional learning environment? Short answer: heck yes! Long answer: Humans are constantly learning, every second of every day. Can’t stop, won’t stop. Billions of people throughout history did not attend an organized institution of learning, and we’re still here. If you liked your old normal and your old routine, keep doing that! And if you’re unable to do that old routine now because of COVID-19, just know that this won’t last forever, and your kids won’t be behind on anything just because they’re not doing their normal school routine. But if the changes you have encountered are making you question your old routine and question sending your kids back to school, do some research, talk to some homeschool families, and talk to God about making a leap of faith. (I get it! It took me four years to commit to homeschooling!) “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” – Colossians 2:2-3

To the One Who Is Walking Through the Same Struggle

Dear Friend,

I don’t know what your situation is - maybe you have a pretty normal life, but a pretty chaotic brain; maybe you have loved ones with issues; maybe you have issues. (We’ve all got issues.) But I do know what it’s like to live with fear and anxiety, and to struggle to control everything to keep yourself from losing it.

You will get better. You will be ok. You have choices. I thought you might need to hear that.

Are you constantly thinking about how you can fix them? How you can rescue them? How you can save them?

You don’t have to. That’s their job.

Are you worrying about the future? What if they do this, what if they do that, what will happen to us?

You don’t have to. That’s God’s job. He’s got your back.

Are you reliving the past, replaying scenes and conversations in your head and thinking about what you wish you would’ve said or what you wish they would’ve done?

You don’t have to. All you can do is learn from it, forgive them and yourself, and move on.

Are you playing detective? Watching for signs and clues, piecing things together like a puzzle, trying to decide whether you want your greatest fears to be realized or squashed?

You don’t have to. You will find out anything you need to know at just the right time you need to know it.

Are you sweeping things under the rug? Pretending everything is great? Pasting on a happy smile and going through the motions of life?

You don’t have to. The truth will set you free. Talk about it and ask for help if you need it.

Are you walking on eggshells? Tiptoeing around them? Doing your best not to rock the boat?

You don’t have to. You can express your feelings with love. You can choose a new response. You don’t have to keep repeating the same unhealthy patterns.

Are you trying to prevent yourself from feeling anything? Pretending you don’t have any emotions other than happy ones? Or any emotions other than sad ones?

You don’t have to. It’s ok to feel sad, mad, happy, and anything in between. Feel your feelings and keep going.

Do you feel like you just can’t keep going? Like you might explode with anger or implode under the pressure?

You don’t have to. Do something good for yourself. And take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

Do you feel like every decision you have made up to this point has been wrong?

You don’t have to. You are right where you are supposed to be.

Do you feel responsible for everything and everyone? Are you letting everyone treat you like a doormat?

You don’t have to. You are responsible for you. Put up some boundaries and figure out what your responsibilities are.

Do you feel like you can never measure up to all the expectations?

You don’t have to. Start by figuring out what God’s expectations are, and then yours.

Friend, if this resonates deep inside you, know that you are not alone. Know that you can find peace and contentment. Know that there is help and hope.

 

 

 

 

Who Are You?

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” – 1 Peter 2:9

 

I don’t remember a time in my life when I felt totally confident about anything. I have always dealt with low self-esteem, feeling like I’m never good enough, feeling like I need to prove myself, and always being my own worst critic. Even when I know I’m really good at something and can do a great job, I have this little voice in my head saying, “Who are you?!”

If I meet a new person and want to be friends, it’s “Who are you to think that they want to be friends with you? ”

If I get an idea to try something new, it’s “Who are you to think you can do that?”

If I get treated badly by someone and want to stand up for myself, it’s “Who are you to say that they were wrong?” Followed by a list of all the things I could have done differently in the situation. Which can sometimes be helpful for learning from mistakes, but not when you overthink your mistakes and berate yourself for them.

If something good happens, I feel guilty instead of thankful. “Who are you to get this reward?! You don’t deserve this!”

The everyday battle in my mind goes on and on. There are some times when I am able to conquer these thoughts but many times I give in and miss out on opportunities and relationships. One of the things that has really been affected by this thinking is in using my gifts and talents for God.

I have always loved art and drawing. I won my first coloring contest when I was four. It was at Wal-Mart and I won a really nice plastic case full of 72 Crayola crayons. I won lots of poster contests throughout school and I loved art class. But the thought of furthering that talent never really crossed my mind until I was 26, about to be a mom and looking for something to work at from home. And  then the voice was there saying, “Who are you to think that you could make something people want to buy?”

And so with much trepidation I started an Etsy shop. I really had no idea what the heck I was doing. I didn’t even know for sure what I was making and trying to sell! I was all over the place trying different things. I sold a few things here and there but it was few and far between. And then after about two years I decided to try painting on canvases. I had always seen painting on canvas as something “real” artists did. And I certainly didn’t think of myself that way. But I gave it a try and I really liked it! I also decided at that time to dedicate my art to God and to paint Bible verses. I changed the name of my Etsy shop from “Hilly-Nilly” to “Awake My Soul.” I had a graphic designer come up with a logo and printed off some new business cards. But I still couldn’t call myself an artist. So instead of “Hilary Mungle, Artist” on my cards, it said, “Hilary Mungle, Owner.” Which really makes no sense! I’m the owner of all the art that I’ve made, and making art makes me an artist. Saying I’m an artist doesn’t mean I’m a good artist, it just means that I make art.  (Just like saying I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I’m good at being Christ-like, it just means that I’m trying!)

So for seven years now I have been doing my best to follow where God leads me in this gift that He has given me. It is still a struggle. Every time I apply for a show, or a gallery, or a contest, that little voice is saying, “Who are you to get this spot?! You’re not a real artist.” I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing. (And I can say that in just about every area of my life!) But God does know. He knows exactly what I’m going to paint before I paint it. He knows exactly what Bible verses are going to resonate so deeply within me that I will feel compelled to create something with them. He knows when I am feeling like giving up on this dream and throws me a sale or a kind word from someone just when I need a pick-me-up. He knew I needed a confidence boost Saturday morning and so He woke me up with a notification from Etsy with my biggest sale ever! He knows what His plan is for the gift that He gave me. Every time someone says they love my art, I am amazed. Every time I make a sale, I am amazed. And I am reminded that I am asking the wrong thing. The question is not, “Who are you?” but “Who is God?” and “What can He do through you?”

I don’t know what I’m doing, but God does. And that’s why all these insecurities that have always held me in bondage do not matter. Because my God is bigger than my weaknesses. My God is bigger than my insecurities. My God is bigger than the “art world” that my brain is trying to desperately to figure out. My God created me and He does not make mistakes. My God has a plan for me. All I can do is take things one day at a time. And trust His timing and His plans. Maybe He wants to make my work famous someday, or maybe He wants me to just talk to people at local craft shows. Maybe He wants me to inspire others to worship Him through art. The possibilities are endless. But I will only be able to use my gifts and my life for Him if I replace that condescending voice that says, “Who are you?” with a loving voice that says, “Who is your God?”

Questions:

Do you have any destructive thought patterns that are holding you back from fully trusting God and His plans for you?

Are there areas of your life where you feel inadequate or lost? Could asking God for guidance help you to feel more confident in these areas?