Choices

Friends, my phone fell in the toilet for the second time in less than a year this past week. I feel like this is a metaphor for my life on so many levels. I waited a few days for it to dry out, took it to the phone repair desk here, and it is officially dead. I spent three hours on the phone ordering a new one. I have hijacked my husband’s phone until it comes in, which could be weeks since we are in Japan. He is graciously letting me keep it while he goes to work. I don’t want to be one of those people who is lost without their phone. I want to be a person who enjoys not having it. But honestly, I’m just not. I take care of so many things on my to-do list using my phone. I run my business from my phone. I take pictures with my phone. I navigate through a foreign country with my phone. I keep myself from total isolation during this pandemic with my phone. I use timers and alarm clocks and calendars on my phone. So, this is a frustrating situation. As always, I have choices. I can choose to walk in the dark or the light. I can choose to focus on the negative or the positive. I can choose to complain or be grateful.

I could get angry with myself. I tend to criticize and blame myself for any little thing that doesn’t go the way I want it to in life. Even if it’s something completely out of my control, I can find a way to believe it was my fault. But knowing that, I can listen for those thoughts and stop them when they come. Then I can say, it was a simple mistake. I forgot it was in my back pocket. The laws of gravity are definitely NOT within my control. I can respect God’s laws of nature and accept that I am a human.

I can choose to be angry that it took so long to order the new one, that they had no budget phones in stock so I’m paying twice what I would normally pay, or that it will take so long to arrive. Or I can choose to be thankful that a new phone is on its way, that it will probably be the highest quality phone I’ve ever had, and that my husband is here and sharing his phone with me in the meantime.

I can choose to criticize myself for feeling lost without my phone, or I can accept the fact that it’s 2021 and be thankful for this tool that simplifies my life in so many ways.

So, if you are facing a frustrating situation today, remember you have choices. Choose light, choose gratitude, choose faith, choose hope. Even if your whole life seems to be going down the toilet, you can be thankful for the opportunity to flush the crap and start fresh.

Who Are You?

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10

“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” – 1 Peter 2:9

I don’t remember a time in my life when I felt totally confident about anything. I have always dealt with low self-esteem, feeling like I’m never good enough, feeling like I need to prove myself, and always being my own worst critic. Even when I know I’m really good at something and can do a great job, I have this little voice in my head saying, “Who are you?!”

If I meet a new person and want to be friends, it’s “Who are you to think that they want to be friends with you? ”

If I get an idea to try something new, it’s “Who are you to think you can do that?”

If I get treated badly by someone and want to stand up for myself, it’s “Who are you to say that they were wrong?” Followed by a list of all the things I could have done differently in the situation. Which can sometimes be helpful for learning from mistakes, but not when you overthink your mistakes and berate yourself for them.

If something good happens, I feel guilty instead of thankful. “Who are you to get this reward?! You don’t deserve this!”

The everyday battle in my mind goes on and on. There are some times when I am able to conquer these thoughts but many times I give in and miss out on opportunities and relationships. One of the things that has really been affected by this thinking is in using my gifts and talents for God.

I have always loved art and drawing. I won my first coloring contest when I was four. It was at Wal-Mart and I won a really nice plastic case full of 72 Crayola crayons. I won lots of poster contests throughout school and I loved art class. But the thought of furthering that talent never really crossed my mind until I was 26, about to be a mom and looking for something to work at from home. And  then the voice was there saying, “Who are you to think that you could make something people want to buy?”

And so with much trepidation I started an Etsy shop. I really had no idea what the heck I was doing. I didn’t even know for sure what I was making and trying to sell! I was all over the place trying different things. I sold a few things here and there but it was few and far between. And then after about two years I decided to try painting on canvases. I had always seen painting on canvas as something “real” artists did. And I certainly didn’t think of myself that way. But I gave it a try and I really liked it! I also decided at that time to dedicate my art to God and to paint Bible verses. I changed the name of my Etsy shop from “Hilly-Nilly” to “Awake My Soul.” I had a graphic designer come up with a logo and printed off some new business cards. But I still couldn’t call myself an artist. So instead of “Hilary Mungle, Artist” on my cards, it said, “Hilary Mungle, Owner.” Which really makes no sense! I’m the owner of all the art that I’ve made, and making art makes me an artist. Saying I’m an artist doesn’t mean I’m a good artist, it just means that I make art.  (Just like saying I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I’m good at being Christ-like, it just means that I’m trying!)

So for seven years now I have been doing my best to follow where God leads me in this gift that He has given me. It is still a struggle. Every time I apply for a show, or a gallery, or a contest, that little voice is saying, “Who are you to get this spot?! You’re not a real artist.” I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing. (And I can say that in just about every area of my life!) But God does know. He knows exactly what I’m going to paint before I paint it. He knows exactly what Bible verses are going to resonate so deeply within me that I will feel compelled to create something with them. He knows when I am feeling like giving up on this dream and throws me a sale or a kind word from someone just when I need a pick-me-up. He knew I needed a confidence boost Saturday morning and so He woke me up with a notification from Etsy with my biggest sale ever! He knows what His plan is for the gift that He gave me. Every time someone says they love my art, I am amazed. Every time I make a sale, I am amazed. And I am reminded that I am asking the wrong thing. The question is not, “Who are you?” but “Who is God?” and “What can He do through you?”

I don’t know what I’m doing, but God does. And that’s why all these insecurities that have always held me in bondage do not matter. Because my God is bigger than my weaknesses. My God is bigger than my insecurities. My God is bigger than the “art world” that my brain is trying to desperately to figure out. My God created me and He does not make mistakes. My God has a plan for me. All I can do is take things one day at a time. And trust His timing and His plans. Maybe He wants to make my work famous someday, or maybe He wants me to just talk to people at local craft shows. Maybe He wants me to inspire others to worship Him through art. The possibilities are endless. But I will only be able to use my gifts and my life for Him if I replace that condescending voice that says, “Who are you?” with a loving voice that says, “Who is your God?”

Questions:

Do you have any destructive thought patterns that are holding you back from fully trusting God and His plans for you?

Are there areas of your life where you feel inadequate or lost? Could asking God for guidance help you to feel more confident in these areas?