2020 Essentials: Thriving in Chaos

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but 2020 has been weird. Not just sort of weird, REALLY weird. And not just weird for some people, but weird for EVERYONE. The global pandemic is something I never imagined experiencing in my lifetime. Pandemics were things we read about in history books, not the local news. Like the rest of the world, 2020 has been weird for our family too. But every year feels weird for our family. We are a military homeschooling family. We moved to Japan in February, right before the world shut down. My husband left for quarantine and deployment at the end of April. And my kids and I are just sittin’ here, waitin’ to be able to go to Tokyo (hasn’t happened yet because of COVID-19). Maybe you’ve seen the meme going around social media about military families: “Getting our plans screwed up by the government before it was cool.” We never know what’s going on, we rarely know what day it is, and we’re never too sure what we’ll be doing in the future. While some people thrive in this environment, I, being an anxiety-ridden planner and control freak, have felt the military lifestyle drive me absolutely insane over the last 17 years. And then, when God called us to homeschool five years ago and brought us down the path of non-traditional learning, my insanity quadrupled. “What do you mean they don’t have to learn certain things at certain times? What do you mean life can be whatever we want it to be? What do you mean we don’t have to follow anyone else’s rules?” The freedom can sometimes feel totally liberating and totally suffocating at the same time.

The questions that I have been forced to ask myself over the past several years of building a life that is completely different than what I envisioned are the questions that many people are asking themselves now, as a result of the chaos of 2020. I don’t know how long this “new normal” will last for any of us, but I want to encourage you! It is hard, but you can do hard things. It is different, but you can learn new things. It is unpredictable, but you can be flexible. So here are some of the questions I have had to ask myself, and do some serious soul-searching (and Bible-reading) to find my answers. I hope that they will help you find your questions and your answers too.

1. What am I building my life upon? When this question first came up in my mind, I was sad to admit that the answer was accomplishments, awards, and the praise of others. I was a people-pleaser. I had spent my entire life trying to fulfill every goal other people said I should. I tried to be the best at everything I did, even if I didn’t enjoy it or drove myself crazy attaining it. I got a 4.0 in college but made zero friends outside of my job at the university library. That was pretty much the story of my entire life. Stressed out perfectionism: trying to prove to myself and the world that I was capable and worthy. What I try to build my life upon now is God’s kingdom – where I don’t have to be capable or worthy, because He will equip me to do whatever He has planned. So what are you building your life upon right now? “The wise man builds his house upon the rock.” - Matthew 7:24-27

2. Who is in control? My old answer to this would have been ME. I felt completely responsible for everything and everyone. I had to save the entire world every day. I had to be a good example for others and if they still didn’t get it, I had to tell them what they were doing wrong. If I had a problem, it must have been because of something I did to cause it. If only I had made the right decision, these things wouldn’t be happening to me, right?! It was exhausting. Finally I found out the truth: I am not, in fact, in control of anything but myself, nor am I the savior of the world. But God is in control of the world and Jesus is the Savior of the world. So I don’t have to worry. I can trust and not be afraid. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

3. What is the source of my joy? Unfortunately, my answer to this for the longest time was my circumstances, my routine, and my productivity. It’s taken years of therapy, prayer, Bible studies, 12 step studies, and soul-searching to make any changes here. But the truth is, most of us humans want things our way and when we don’t get it, we’re unhappy. Keeping my focus on God’s fulfilled promises and the promise of heaven is a daily mental battle for me. My mind naturally goes to the negative – the things I need to “fix.” But daily gratitude lists, daily devotions, daily prayer, and daily devoting myself to passing on the knowledge of God to my kids keeps reminding me that I can find joy, contentment, and happiness when I am looking for it. “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!” – Philippians 4:4

4. Who am I trying to please? Sometimes it was my family, sometimes friends, sometimes enemies, sometimes co-workers, sometimes my husband, sometimes my kids…but all of these turned out to be wrong. People are fallible. God is infallible. People get things wrong and make mistakes. God never gets things wrong or makes mistakes. When I have a question, I need to take it to God first. Many times the voices of the world are deafening and overwhelming. And most of the time, they are wrong. This has come up a lot for me when it comes to homeschooling. Sometimes I feel crushed by the pressure for my kids to succeed. But that’s what happens when I worry about the world’s standards instead of God’s standards. “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

5. What is essential? This is a really hard one! And it usually leads to more questions. It is an ongoing process for me, as the answer constantly changes. I try to start with the most basic things and build from there. What has God called me to do? What are the needs of my (and my family’s) mind, body, and soul, and how do I meet them? What are my goals and dreams? What habits can help me get there? What can I do daily, weekly, monthly, yearly to reach them, and to do God’s will? If you can’t answer these questions yet, spend some time getting to know yourself and God first. “…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” – Ephesians 4:4

6. What do I need to do to take care of myself? This one is a lot like the last one – always a work in progress! It goes hand in hand with finding out what is essential. What is self-care? It is knowing what you need to do to love yourself and keep your sanity. It is knowing yourself well enough to know how you’re feeling and how to respond to those feelings. It is knowing when to say yes, when to say no, and when to rest. It is learning how to trust yourself and your intuition. It is being able to enjoy time alone. It is knowing exactly what you would do with free time or what your hobbies are. It is nurturing healthy relationships and cutting unhealthy relationships out. It is setting healthy boundaries for yourself. “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” – Ephesians 4:22-24

7. Can my kids thrive in a non-traditional learning environment? Short answer: heck yes! Long answer: Humans are constantly learning, every second of every day. Can’t stop, won’t stop. Billions of people throughout history did not attend an organized institution of learning, and we’re still here. If you liked your old normal and your old routine, keep doing that! And if you’re unable to do that old routine now because of COVID-19, just know that this won’t last forever, and your kids won’t be behind on anything just because they’re not doing their normal school routine. But if the changes you have encountered are making you question your old routine and question sending your kids back to school, do some research, talk to some homeschool families, and talk to God about making a leap of faith. (I get it! It took me four years to commit to homeschooling!) “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” – Colossians 2:2-3

To the One Who Is Walking Through the Same Struggle

Dear Friend,

I don’t know what your situation is - maybe you have a pretty normal life, but a pretty chaotic brain; maybe you have loved ones with issues; maybe you have issues. (We’ve all got issues.) But I do know what it’s like to live with fear and anxiety, and to struggle to control everything to keep yourself from losing it.

You will get better. You will be ok. You have choices. I thought you might need to hear that.

Are you constantly thinking about how you can fix them? How you can rescue them? How you can save them?

You don’t have to. That’s their job.

Are you worrying about the future? What if they do this, what if they do that, what will happen to us?

You don’t have to. That’s God’s job. He’s got your back.

Are you reliving the past, replaying scenes and conversations in your head and thinking about what you wish you would’ve said or what you wish they would’ve done?

You don’t have to. All you can do is learn from it, forgive them and yourself, and move on.

Are you playing detective? Watching for signs and clues, piecing things together like a puzzle, trying to decide whether you want your greatest fears to be realized or squashed?

You don’t have to. You will find out anything you need to know at just the right time you need to know it.

Are you sweeping things under the rug? Pretending everything is great? Pasting on a happy smile and going through the motions of life?

You don’t have to. The truth will set you free. Talk about it and ask for help if you need it.

Are you walking on eggshells? Tiptoeing around them? Doing your best not to rock the boat?

You don’t have to. You can express your feelings with love. You can choose a new response. You don’t have to keep repeating the same unhealthy patterns.

Are you trying to prevent yourself from feeling anything? Pretending you don’t have any emotions other than happy ones? Or any emotions other than sad ones?

You don’t have to. It’s ok to feel sad, mad, happy, and anything in between. Feel your feelings and keep going.

Do you feel like you just can’t keep going? Like you might explode with anger or implode under the pressure?

You don’t have to. Do something good for yourself. And take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

Do you feel like every decision you have made up to this point has been wrong?

You don’t have to. You are right where you are supposed to be.

Do you feel responsible for everything and everyone? Are you letting everyone treat you like a doormat?

You don’t have to. You are responsible for you. Put up some boundaries and figure out what your responsibilities are.

Do you feel like you can never measure up to all the expectations?

You don’t have to. Start by figuring out what God’s expectations are, and then yours.

Friend, if this resonates deep inside you, know that you are not alone. Know that you can find peace and contentment. Know that there is help and hope.

The Hamster Wheel

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

I struggle with anxiety. For me it’s like a little hamster lives in my brain and at certain times he just jumps on his wheel (which is filled with all my worries and negative thoughts) and he won’t get off.  So there’s a constant circle of worry, fear, shame, regret, what ifs, why nots, should’ves, and at the root of it all – “I’ll never be enough.”

The hamster was on the wheel this past weekend. It started because my daughter has had some ongoing minor health issues for the past year and Friday I decided to take her to the doctor again to try and get some new answers. I learned that I had not been given enough information on how to help her. And some of the information I had been given was wrong. But I got a new plan and was relieved to hopefully finally fix the problem. I felt better knowing that we were moving forward, but he mean voices in my head started to tell me that I was a terrible mother.  Why did I let this go on so long? How could I not know how to help her? Why hadn’t I been a better advocate for her? How could I be so harsh with her for acting out when she’s not feeling well physically? On and on it went.

Saturday and Sunday we had a big party to attend in another city for my husband’s work. And the hamster just kept running. The packing, the planning, the figuring out a schedule, the planning of meals, toys for the kids, etc. And the voices were saying, “Why didn’t you plan this out sooner? Why do you always wait till the last minute? What’s wrong with you? Other wives/moms aren’t bringing this much stuff for one night, why are you? Why do you even have this much stuff? You need to purge everything! What will people think of you at the party? They’re gonna know you’re weird and don’t fit in.”

Sunday night we got back home and my daughter threw a massive fit. And the voices were battling out how I should respond.  Later my husband and I had a big discussion about our family life. I went to bed exhausted and still the hamster kept running. I woke up at four in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep because the hamster was trying to figure out how to do all the right things so that the mean voices would stop talking.

I got up at six to go run. Running and listening to Christian music at the sea wall always helps me start my day off right. But as I began to run, I could still feel the wheel turning and the voices trying to tell me if I would just do more, be more, strive more,  I could solve all my problems. And I felt defeated. But then the words of the song playing got my attention. “Goodbye regret, goodbye alone, goodbye to emptiness, say hello to beautiful, goodbye afraid, goodbye ashamed, goodbye to hopelessness, say hello to beautiful.” It’s a song by Mercy Me called “Hello Beautiful.” And in that instant I was reminded of the lesson that God keeps giving me over and over again – I can’t fix it! Only he can.

It’s easier for me to remember this in the small moments, on ordinary days. But when challenges arise and I begin to feel overwhelmed, I quickly forget. I start to believe the lies that say I have caused all of my problems because I’m not good enough and I can fix all of my problems if I try harder. But the truth is I am not in control. God is. I can turn to him, learn to trust him, talk to him about how I’m feeling, tell him my worries, ask him to show me my next step, and then leave it in his hands. I felt much better once I remembered the truth. This is a constant battle for me – being able to listen to the truth of God over the lies in the world. The more I practice this, the easier it gets, and the less time the hamster stays on the wheel.