Dear Younger Me

Dear Younger Me,

You are loved. You are loved by your family. You are loved by God. You are loved by your friends. You are loved just for being you, not because you are useful, helpful, or easy to get along with. You are loved even when you make mistakes. You are loved even when you don’t know the right thing to do or say.

If someone hurts you, you can talk to them about it. You can forgive them and move on.

If you hurt someone, you can talk to them about it. You can apologize and move on.

You don’t need a boyfriend until you’re like, 35. (See first paragraph. You ARE loved.)

You don’t need friends that are exactly like you, but you do need friends that truly love you and care about you.

Working hard is good. Having fun is also good. Find a balance.

Put God first. Not your friends, not your family, not your goals, not the expectations of yourself, others, or the world.

Speaking of boyfriends and God, you don’t even have to look for a boyfriend. You do need to look for God. Trust God to bring you the right boy at the right time.

You don’t have to save anyone. Not yourself, not anyone else. That’s what Jesus does.

Compare yourself only to your former self.

Hang out with old people as much as you can.

Figure out how to enjoy time alone and what you like to do for fun.

Don’t be so agreeable that you have no opinions.

Don’t be so opinionated that you have no friends.

Don’t try to be cool, try to be authentic.

Say what you need to say, and nothing more or less.

If anyone pressures you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, they’re not healthy for you. Find someone else to hang out with. Or date. (But remember you don’t need a boyfriend till you’re 35. See above.)

You don’t have to try so hard.

There’s not always a “right” thing to do, but there is usually a “right” thing to do for you. And you get to decide what that is.

Some people will dislike you because they think you’re better than them. Some people will dislike you because they think they’re better than you. Some people will dislike you because you’re different than them. Some people will just dislike you because they can. This is their problem, not yours.

Be the kind of person you want to be, regardless of the situation. Others’ bad choices don’t justify your bad choices.

You’re not the only person who’s NOT getting drunk, high, or sleeping around. (Even though it seems like it.)

Don’t wait for people to invite you. Invite them to come do something with you!

Remember God’s promises: He created you, He loves you, He forgives you, He has a plan for you, He is always with you. He can take anything bad and turn it into something good. He can help you use your struggles to help others. He has already conquered the world, so you don’t have to.

The Hamster Wheel

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

I struggle with anxiety. For me it’s like a little hamster lives in my brain and at certain times he just jumps on his wheel (which is filled with all my worries and negative thoughts) and he won’t get off.  So there’s a constant circle of worry, fear, shame, regret, what ifs, why nots, should’ves, and at the root of it all – “I’ll never be enough.”

The hamster was on the wheel this past weekend. It started because my daughter has had some ongoing minor health issues for the past year and Friday I decided to take her to the doctor again to try and get some new answers. I learned that I had not been given enough information on how to help her. And some of the information I had been given was wrong. But I got a new plan and was relieved to hopefully finally fix the problem. I felt better knowing that we were moving forward, but he mean voices in my head started to tell me that I was a terrible mother.  Why did I let this go on so long? How could I not know how to help her? Why hadn’t I been a better advocate for her? How could I be so harsh with her for acting out when she’s not feeling well physically? On and on it went.

Saturday and Sunday we had a big party to attend in another city for my husband’s work. And the hamster just kept running. The packing, the planning, the figuring out a schedule, the planning of meals, toys for the kids, etc. And the voices were saying, “Why didn’t you plan this out sooner? Why do you always wait till the last minute? What’s wrong with you? Other wives/moms aren’t bringing this much stuff for one night, why are you? Why do you even have this much stuff? You need to purge everything! What will people think of you at the party? They’re gonna know you’re weird and don’t fit in.”

Sunday night we got back home and my daughter threw a massive fit. And the voices were battling out how I should respond.  Later my husband and I had a big discussion about our family life. I went to bed exhausted and still the hamster kept running. I woke up at four in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep because the hamster was trying to figure out how to do all the right things so that the mean voices would stop talking.

I got up at six to go run. Running and listening to Christian music at the sea wall always helps me start my day off right. But as I began to run, I could still feel the wheel turning and the voices trying to tell me if I would just do more, be more, strive more,  I could solve all my problems. And I felt defeated. But then the words of the song playing got my attention. “Goodbye regret, goodbye alone, goodbye to emptiness, say hello to beautiful, goodbye afraid, goodbye ashamed, goodbye to hopelessness, say hello to beautiful.” It’s a song by Mercy Me called “Hello Beautiful.” And in that instant I was reminded of the lesson that God keeps giving me over and over again – I can’t fix it! Only he can.

It’s easier for me to remember this in the small moments, on ordinary days. But when challenges arise and I begin to feel overwhelmed, I quickly forget. I start to believe the lies that say I have caused all of my problems because I’m not good enough and I can fix all of my problems if I try harder. But the truth is I am not in control. God is. I can turn to him, learn to trust him, talk to him about how I’m feeling, tell him my worries, ask him to show me my next step, and then leave it in his hands. I felt much better once I remembered the truth. This is a constant battle for me – being able to listen to the truth of God over the lies in the world. The more I practice this, the easier it gets, and the less time the hamster stays on the wheel.