10 Years of Parenthood

So my son, my first born, my baby boy, just turned 10. And I am an emotional wreck! I really just can’t believe that he is halfway to adulthood, or that we have kept a human being alive for this long. I can’t understand how the human race has survived this long. Because raising kids is HARD. Harder than I ever could have imagined and harder than can be accurately described. It’s questioning every decision I’ve ever made on a daily basis, and trying to figure out how to be better at life, so that these new humans we made can somehow have a better life…but not TOO much better, because if they have no struggles they won’t be able to grow and learn how to cope with life. So with all my flaws and hangups and baggage, I try to parent them well enough that they won’t have so many flaws and hangups and baggage…but that leads to me focusing way too much on the wrong things, which causes both of us more flaws, hangups, and baggage. It’s a vicious cycle. (This is why we all need Jesus!)

And that thing everyone says, “The days are long but the years are short,” definitely holds true for me. I quit my job with a 120-mile-round-trip commute shortly after I found out I was pregnant, so I’ve been staying at home for almost 11 years now. After being a school-and-work-aholic since I was 5, staying at home has been a HUGE transition! Maybe someday I’ll get used to it. Probably about the time my kids are ready to move out. I like routines, and kids like routines, but sometimes people get addicted to routines, and then they can’t function when the slightest thing is different…not healthy. I like spontaneity, and kids like spontaneity, but sometimes people get addicted to spontaneity and can’t function without constant fun and action…not healthy. So I guess with parenting, just like everything else, the goal is balance. Many days the monotony is enough to drive me insane. But then those little moments where you just want to stop time because of the joy you feel happen and you are reminded what a gift you have been given.

In thinking about the past 10 years (which sometimes feel like one year and sometimes feel like 25 years), it’s easy to see how my son has changed, but most of the changes in me have been internal. I have heard motherhood described as “the highest calling” many times, and living it has been an amazing roller coaster ride. While I was nursing, changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning up messes, reading books, singing songs, and agonizing over decisions, God was working on my heart. He gave us the family unit to be a model of his love for us and the world, and I have learned so much about Him from this adventure. So here are some of the major lessons I have learned over the past decade. Some I had heard before, but didn’t understand fully until I walked through it. Some were not even on my radar, but God made them clear to me.

1) God has a plan – trust Him…you are not in control. This lesson started with my labor and delivery, and is the gift that just keeps on giving. I’m pretty stubborn by nature, and I was determined to NOT have a C-section (mostly because I’m a hypochondriac and knew how worried I’d be about my guts falling out) and preferably a natural water birth at a midwifery center. So when my baby was overdue and we went in for an ultrasound, only to be told that the baby’s estimated weight was 10 lbs., 4 oz. and they said I could go ahead and opt for a C-section or wait to see how it played out…I waited to see how it played out. Because I wanted MY way. And I ended up with 5 days of contractions that were every 5-20 minutes, therapeutic rest with morphine and Benadryl, the nurse breaking my water, Pitocin, an epidural, 4 hours of pushing, and…a C-section!

2) Whatever you’re going through, it won’t last forever. So if it’s rough, don’t give up, and if it’s good, enjoy it! Babies change so quickly! And so do toddlers, kids, teens, and humans in general. One day they eat, sleep, and poop, and the next they’re getting married. But please don’t let this “they grow up so fast” mentality make you feel guilty about setting boundaries with your kids or taking time for yourself…just try to be present in the moment.

3) God picked YOU to be your kid’s parent, not because you’re perfect, but because you’re perfect for each other. So don’t doubt yourself or your capabilities. Of course I am constantly trying to train my kids in something, but my kids have taught me so much about myself and about life in general. We drive each other nuts, we make mistakes, and we apologize and keep going. You don’t have to be perfect, because you aren’t Jesus! Just be willing to learn and admit your mistakes.

4) You know your child best, so consider all the advice and information you can, but the final decision is yours. The first hurdle we encountered with our son was his speech delay. His doctors started telling us when he was 15 months old that they thought he was behind. Now 9 years and many speech therapists later, he’s speaking just fine. But there was a lot of time in there spent agonizing on the right course of action. Sometimes I listened to the doctors and ended up changing my mind. Eventually I started doing what I thought was right and things got a lot smoother.

5) There actually is an instruction book for parenting…it’s the Bible. That’s not really what most of us want to hear though! We want quick answers, guarantees, and step by step instructions. But our God is a God of mystery, epic stories, deep thoughts, and mind-blowing lessons. He is a great author who can connect the dots in our stories like no other! So dig deep, read the Bible every day, read the Bible with your kids every day, and wait for miracles.

6) Don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. I know I already said this in #2, but it needs to be repeated! This is always a big struggle for me, but if you want to learn how to love your neighbor, you have to learn how to love yourself. Kids need to learn how to handle a “no,” how to enjoy their own company, and how to motivate themselves when they are bored.

7) “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” -Colossians 2:2-3 This is our purpose as parents. To teach our kids about God and His plan for the world. Everything else will follow. The world will tell you a million other things are more important. But how do you unlock the secrets of the universe? By getting to know the One who created the universe. Us humans really like to complicate things!

Dear Younger Me

Dear Younger Me,

You are loved. You are loved by your family. You are loved by God. You are loved by your friends. You are loved just for being you, not because you are useful, helpful, or easy to get along with. You are loved even when you make mistakes. You are loved even when you don’t know the right thing to do or say.

If someone hurts you, you can talk to them about it. You can forgive them and move on.

If you hurt someone, you can talk to them about it. You can apologize and move on.

You don’t need a boyfriend until you’re like, 35. (See first paragraph. You ARE loved.)

You don’t need friends that are exactly like you, but you do need friends that truly love you and care about you.

Working hard is good. Having fun is also good. Find a balance.

Put God first. Not your friends, not your family, not your goals, not the expectations of yourself, others, or the world.

Speaking of boyfriends and God, you don’t even have to look for a boyfriend. You do need to look for God. Trust God to bring you the right boy at the right time.

You don’t have to save anyone. Not yourself, not anyone else. That’s what Jesus does.

Compare yourself only to your former self.

Hang out with old people as much as you can.

Figure out how to enjoy time alone and what you like to do for fun.

Don’t be so agreeable that you have no opinions.

Don’t be so opinionated that you have no friends.

Don’t try to be cool, try to be authentic.

Say what you need to say, and nothing more or less.

If anyone pressures you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with, they’re not healthy for you. Find someone else to hang out with. Or date. (But remember you don’t need a boyfriend till you’re 35. See above.)

You don’t have to try so hard.

There’s not always a “right” thing to do, but there is usually a “right” thing to do for you. And you get to decide what that is.

Some people will dislike you because they think you’re better than them. Some people will dislike you because they think they’re better than you. Some people will dislike you because you’re different than them. Some people will just dislike you because they can. This is their problem, not yours.

Be the kind of person you want to be, regardless of the situation. Others’ bad choices don’t justify your bad choices.

You’re not the only person who’s NOT getting drunk, high, or sleeping around. (Even though it seems like it.)

Don’t wait for people to invite you. Invite them to come do something with you!

Remember God’s promises: He created you, He loves you, He forgives you, He has a plan for you, He is always with you. He can take anything bad and turn it into something good. He can help you use your struggles to help others. He has already conquered the world, so you don’t have to.

Walking With God

At almost 37, when I think about all the things the Lord has helped me walk through, I have a pretty long list (even though I didn’t always realize He was with me at the time). But all of these obstacles can be boiled down to one issue that God continues to help me chip away at: anxiety. We hear this word a lot now, but it is still easily dismissed and hard to explain. I do not have a clinical diagnosis and for a long time I didn’t even realize that anxiety was what ailed me. I could attribute my issues to many different things: low self-esteem, perfectionism, people-pleasing, worrying, controlling, etc. And these are all definitely things I struggle with. But now I would say they are all symptoms of my anxiety. Underneath all of that has always been a feeling of differentness, of loneliness, of always wanting to do the “right” thing but also never knowing what the “right” thing was; an intense struggle to find peace through my own correct actions rather than through God’s infallible sovereignty. As a kid, my brain understood God as a judge who sat waiting for me to screw up, and then punish me accordingly. So I thought the best course of action was to stay off His radar. The less mistakes I made, the less attention He’d pay me. The closer to perfect I could be, the better for my life and everyone I knew. Rules were made for following, right?! So I spent the first 25 years of my life trying to live up to everyone’s expectations of me. And I attributed those expectations to God. I decided at a very early age to bottle every emotion inside so I wouldn’t rock the boat and so no one could tell me my feelings were wrong. I always had a hard time filling out those “About Me” sheets at school. My identity was so wrapped up in what others thought of me, I had no idea what I liked to do in my spare time or what my hobbies were. Since I was spending so much time and energy trying to do everything right, I didn’t understand my need for a savior. I was constantly trying to save myself. In my teens, I started my addiction to rescuing people. For many years, if you were a stable person and a good friend, we probably wouldn’t get along well. I couldn’t see myself as a valuable person unless I was helping you out. But if you were a basket case or an emotional train wreck, I would stick by your side till I was crying myself to sleep every night. I thought it was my duty as a Christian to “help” those who were “lost.” (This is not Christianity, friends. This is codependency.) The harder a relationship or a situtation got, the more I strived to bend it to my will. I was constantly trying to save everyone else. At 25, I found myself in total shock and disbelief at the state of my life. I went to therapy for the first time, because, of course, that was the “right” thing to do. Thankfully, in the midst of me blaming my husband for every problem I had, our therapist told me I had some things I needed to work on too. She suggested I attend a 12 Step group. I went to my first meeting because, of course, it was the “right” thing to do. But at that first meeting, God brought out those underlying issues that had plagued my mind for so long. At that first meeting I was no longer different, I was no longer lonely, and I soon learned that many times there was no “right” thing to do. I began to accept the fact that I too made mistakes, and that that was ok. I began to see God as a loving parent, rather than a harsh judge. I started to have a personal relationship with Him, instead of trying to stay off of His radar. I learned how to take care of myself well, and how to trust God to take care of others. I learned how to ask for help, and how to offer help without losing my sanity (this is boundaries). I learned what my hobbies and interests are! I learned that I too need a savior. Anxiety, for me, is like a hamster on a wheel in my brain. It is the constant chatter in my head about worries, fears, tasks, and faults. It is a spiritual battle for my brain between peace and chaos. Ultimately, it is asking me to choose between grasping for control and accepting that God is in control. Choosing God’s peace over my chaos isn’t always easy in the moment, but it does get easier over time. Each time that I recognize He is with me, it strengthens my faith and my ability to trust Him. Each time I choose to be thankful over being fearful or complaining, it strengthens my ability to let that hamster rest instead of putting him back on the wheel. God has been with me every step of the way and handpicked the people that helped me crawl out of my pit of despair. He knows my deepest worries and fears, and He knows how to help me overcome them. My journey isn’t always easy, but I am never alone.