At almost 37, when I think about all the things the Lord has helped me walk through, I have a pretty long list (even though I didn’t always realize He was with me at the time). But all of these obstacles can be boiled down to one issue that God continues to help me chip away at: anxiety. We hear this word a lot now, but it is still easily dismissed and hard to explain. I do not have a clinical diagnosis and for a long time I didn’t even realize that anxiety was what ailed me. I could attribute my issues to many different things: low self-esteem, perfectionism, people-pleasing, worrying, controlling, etc. And these are all definitely things I struggle with. But now I would say they are all symptoms of my anxiety. Underneath all of that has always been a feeling of differentness, of loneliness, of always wanting to do the “right” thing but also never knowing what the “right” thing was; an intense struggle to find peace through my own correct actions rather than through God’s infallible sovereignty. As a kid, my brain understood God as a judge who sat waiting for me to screw up, and then punish me accordingly. So I thought the best course of action was to stay off His radar. The less mistakes I made, the less attention He’d pay me. The closer to perfect I could be, the better for my life and everyone I knew. Rules were made for following, right?! So I spent the first 25 years of my life trying to live up to everyone’s expectations of me. And I attributed those expectations to God. I decided at a very early age to bottle every emotion inside so I wouldn’t rock the boat and so no one could tell me my feelings were wrong. I always had a hard time filling out those “About Me” sheets at school. My identity was so wrapped up in what others thought of me, I had no idea what I liked to do in my spare time or what my hobbies were. Since I was spending so much time and energy trying to do everything right, I didn’t understand my need for a savior. I was constantly trying to save myself. In my teens, I started my addiction to rescuing people. For many years, if you were a stable person and a good friend, we probably wouldn’t get along well. I couldn’t see myself as a valuable person unless I was helping you out. But if you were a basket case or an emotional train wreck, I would stick by your side till I was crying myself to sleep every night. I thought it was my duty as a Christian to “help” those who were “lost.” (This is not Christianity, friends. This is codependency.) The harder a relationship or a situtation got, the more I strived to bend it to my will. I was constantly trying to save everyone else. At 25, I found myself in total shock and disbelief at the state of my life. I went to therapy for the first time, because, of course, that was the “right” thing to do. Thankfully, in the midst of me blaming my husband for every problem I had, our therapist told me I had some things I needed to work on too. She suggested I attend a 12 Step group. I went to my first meeting because, of course, it was the “right” thing to do. But at that first meeting, God brought out those underlying issues that had plagued my mind for so long. At that first meeting I was no longer different, I was no longer lonely, and I soon learned that many times there was no “right” thing to do. I began to accept the fact that I too made mistakes, and that that was ok. I began to see God as a loving parent, rather than a harsh judge. I started to have a personal relationship with Him, instead of trying to stay off of His radar. I learned how to take care of myself well, and how to trust God to take care of others. I learned how to ask for help, and how to offer help without losing my sanity (this is boundaries). I learned what my hobbies and interests are! I learned that I too need a savior. Anxiety, for me, is like a hamster on a wheel in my brain. It is the constant chatter in my head about worries, fears, tasks, and faults. It is a spiritual battle for my brain between peace and chaos. Ultimately, it is asking me to choose between grasping for control and accepting that God is in control. Choosing God’s peace over my chaos isn’t always easy in the moment, but it does get easier over time. Each time that I recognize He is with me, it strengthens my faith and my ability to trust Him. Each time I choose to be thankful over being fearful or complaining, it strengthens my ability to let that hamster rest instead of putting him back on the wheel. God has been with me every step of the way and handpicked the people that helped me crawl out of my pit of despair. He knows my deepest worries and fears, and He knows how to help me overcome them. My journey isn’t always easy, but I am never alone.