So my son, my first born, my baby boy, just turned 10. And I am an emotional wreck! I really just can’t believe that he is halfway to adulthood, or that we have kept a human being alive for this long. I can’t understand how the human race has survived this long. Because raising kids is HARD. Harder than I ever could have imagined and harder than can be accurately described. It’s questioning every decision I’ve ever made on a daily basis, and trying to figure out how to be better at life, so that these new humans we made can somehow have a better life…but not TOO much better, because if they have no struggles they won’t be able to grow and learn how to cope with life. So with all my flaws and hangups and baggage, I try to parent them well enough that they won’t have so many flaws and hangups and baggage…but that leads to me focusing way too much on the wrong things, which causes both of us more flaws, hangups, and baggage. It’s a vicious cycle. (This is why we all need Jesus!)
And that thing everyone says, “The days are long but the years are short,” definitely holds true for me. I quit my job with a 120-mile-round-trip commute shortly after I found out I was pregnant, so I’ve been staying at home for almost 11 years now. After being a school-and-work-aholic since I was 5, staying at home has been a HUGE transition! Maybe someday I’ll get used to it. Probably about the time my kids are ready to move out. I like routines, and kids like routines, but sometimes people get addicted to routines, and then they can’t function when the slightest thing is different…not healthy. I like spontaneity, and kids like spontaneity, but sometimes people get addicted to spontaneity and can’t function without constant fun and action…not healthy. So I guess with parenting, just like everything else, the goal is balance. Many days the monotony is enough to drive me insane. But then those little moments where you just want to stop time because of the joy you feel happen and you are reminded what a gift you have been given.
In thinking about the past 10 years (which sometimes feel like one year and sometimes feel like 25 years), it’s easy to see how my son has changed, but most of the changes in me have been internal. I have heard motherhood described as “the highest calling” many times, and living it has been an amazing roller coaster ride. While I was nursing, changing diapers, cooking meals, cleaning up messes, reading books, singing songs, and agonizing over decisions, God was working on my heart. He gave us the family unit to be a model of his love for us and the world, and I have learned so much about Him from this adventure. So here are some of the major lessons I have learned over the past decade. Some I had heard before, but didn’t understand fully until I walked through it. Some were not even on my radar, but God made them clear to me.
1) God has a plan – trust Him…you are not in control. This lesson started with my labor and delivery, and is the gift that just keeps on giving. I’m pretty stubborn by nature, and I was determined to NOT have a C-section (mostly because I’m a hypochondriac and knew how worried I’d be about my guts falling out) and preferably a natural water birth at a midwifery center. So when my baby was overdue and we went in for an ultrasound, only to be told that the baby’s estimated weight was 10 lbs., 4 oz. and they said I could go ahead and opt for a C-section or wait to see how it played out…I waited to see how it played out. Because I wanted MY way. And I ended up with 5 days of contractions that were every 5-20 minutes, therapeutic rest with morphine and Benadryl, the nurse breaking my water, Pitocin, an epidural, 4 hours of pushing, and…a C-section!
2) Whatever you’re going through, it won’t last forever. So if it’s rough, don’t give up, and if it’s good, enjoy it! Babies change so quickly! And so do toddlers, kids, teens, and humans in general. One day they eat, sleep, and poop, and the next they’re getting married. But please don’t let this “they grow up so fast” mentality make you feel guilty about setting boundaries with your kids or taking time for yourself…just try to be present in the moment.
3) God picked YOU to be your kid’s parent, not because you’re perfect, but because you’re perfect for each other. So don’t doubt yourself or your capabilities. Of course I am constantly trying to train my kids in something, but my kids have taught me so much about myself and about life in general. We drive each other nuts, we make mistakes, and we apologize and keep going. You don’t have to be perfect, because you aren’t Jesus! Just be willing to learn and admit your mistakes.
4) You know your child best, so consider all the advice and information you can, but the final decision is yours. The first hurdle we encountered with our son was his speech delay. His doctors started telling us when he was 15 months old that they thought he was behind. Now 9 years and many speech therapists later, he’s speaking just fine. But there was a lot of time in there spent agonizing on the right course of action. Sometimes I listened to the doctors and ended up changing my mind. Eventually I started doing what I thought was right and things got a lot smoother.
5) There actually is an instruction book for parenting…it’s the Bible. That’s not really what most of us want to hear though! We want quick answers, guarantees, and step by step instructions. But our God is a God of mystery, epic stories, deep thoughts, and mind-blowing lessons. He is a great author who can connect the dots in our stories like no other! So dig deep, read the Bible every day, read the Bible with your kids every day, and wait for miracles.
6) Don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. I know I already said this in #2, but it needs to be repeated! This is always a big struggle for me, but if you want to learn how to love your neighbor, you have to learn how to love yourself. Kids need to learn how to handle a “no,” how to enjoy their own company, and how to motivate themselves when they are bored.
7) “My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.” -Colossians 2:2-3 This is our purpose as parents. To teach our kids about God and His plan for the world. Everything else will follow. The world will tell you a million other things are more important. But how do you unlock the secrets of the universe? By getting to know the One who created the universe. Us humans really like to complicate things!