At almost 37, when I think about all the things the Lord has helped me walk through, I have a pretty long list (even though I didn’t always realize He was with me at the time). But all of these obstacles can be boiled down to one issue that God continues to help me chip away at: anxiety. We hear this word a lot now, but it is still easily dismissed and hard to explain. I do not have a clinical diagnosis and for a long time I didn’t even realize that anxiety was what ailed me. I could attribute my issues to many different things: low self-esteem, perfectionism, people-pleasing, worrying, controlling, etc. And these are all definitely things I struggle with. But now I would say they are all symptoms of my anxiety. Underneath all of that has always been a feeling of differentness, of loneliness, of always wanting to do the “right” thing but also never knowing what the “right” thing was; an intense struggle to find peace through my own correct actions rather than through God’s infallible sovereignty. As a kid, my brain understood God as a judge who sat waiting for me to screw up, and then punish me accordingly. So I thought the best course of action was to stay off His radar. The less mistakes I made, the less attention He’d pay me. The closer to perfect I could be, the better for my life and everyone I knew. Rules were made for following, right?! So I spent the first 25 years of my life trying to live up to everyone’s expectations of me. And I attributed those expectations to God. I decided at a very early age to bottle every emotion inside so I wouldn’t rock the boat and so no one could tell me my feelings were wrong. I always had a hard time filling out those “About Me” sheets at school. My identity was so wrapped up in what others thought of me, I had no idea what I liked to do in my spare time or what my hobbies were. Since I was spending so much time and energy trying to do everything right, I didn’t understand my need for a savior. I was constantly trying to save myself. In my teens, I started my addiction to rescuing people. For many years, if you were a stable person and a good friend, we probably wouldn’t get along well. I couldn’t see myself as a valuable person unless I was helping you out. But if you were a basket case or an emotional train wreck, I would stick by your side till I was crying myself to sleep every night. I thought it was my duty as a Christian to “help” those who were “lost.” (This is not Christianity, friends. This is codependency.) The harder a relationship or a situtation got, the more I strived to bend it to my will. I was constantly trying to save everyone else. At 25, I found myself in total shock and disbelief at the state of my life. I went to therapy for the first time, because, of course, that was the “right” thing to do. Thankfully, in the midst of me blaming my husband for every problem I had, our therapist told me I had some things I needed to work on too. She suggested I attend a 12 Step group. I went to my first meeting because, of course, it was the “right” thing to do. But at that first meeting, God brought out those underlying issues that had plagued my mind for so long. At that first meeting I was no longer different, I was no longer lonely, and I soon learned that many times there was no “right” thing to do. I began to accept the fact that I too made mistakes, and that that was ok. I began to see God as a loving parent, rather than a harsh judge. I started to have a personal relationship with Him, instead of trying to stay off of His radar. I learned how to take care of myself well, and how to trust God to take care of others. I learned how to ask for help, and how to offer help without losing my sanity (this is boundaries). I learned what my hobbies and interests are! I learned that I too need a savior. Anxiety, for me, is like a hamster on a wheel in my brain. It is the constant chatter in my head about worries, fears, tasks, and faults. It is a spiritual battle for my brain between peace and chaos. Ultimately, it is asking me to choose between grasping for control and accepting that God is in control. Choosing God’s peace over my chaos isn’t always easy in the moment, but it does get easier over time. Each time that I recognize He is with me, it strengthens my faith and my ability to trust Him. Each time I choose to be thankful over being fearful or complaining, it strengthens my ability to let that hamster rest instead of putting him back on the wheel. God has been with me every step of the way and handpicked the people that helped me crawl out of my pit of despair. He knows my deepest worries and fears, and He knows how to help me overcome them. My journey isn’t always easy, but I am never alone.
A Working List of My Husband's Food Rules
1. Don't mix white and red (white usually referring to dairy products and red usually referring to tomato-based products).
2. Don't eat ketchup before 11:00 am.
3. Don't touch raw meat in the morning (or at all of you can help it).
4. Don't put utensils in the refrigerator; they'll poison your food.
5. Don't mix meat and cheese! Especially on a burger. Exceptions: a)Pizza must have meat. b)Mexican food with cheese is acceptable. c)Bologna sandwiches must have cheese and must be layered cheese, bologna, cheese.
6. Don't pay to eat sandwiches or pasta.
7. It's always a good time for a Little Debbie.
8. After a nap, eat ice cream from the carton. (Aka: skim off the top.)
😂😂😂
Who Are You?
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” – Ephesians 2:10
“But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” – 1 Peter 2:9
I don’t remember a time in my life when I felt totally confident about anything. I have always dealt with low self-esteem, feeling like I’m never good enough, feeling like I need to prove myself, and always being my own worst critic. Even when I know I’m really good at something and can do a great job, I have this little voice in my head saying, “Who are you?!”
If I meet a new person and want to be friends, it’s “Who are you to think that they want to be friends with you? ”
If I get an idea to try something new, it’s “Who are you to think you can do that?”
If I get treated badly by someone and want to stand up for myself, it’s “Who are you to say that they were wrong?” Followed by a list of all the things I could have done differently in the situation. Which can sometimes be helpful for learning from mistakes, but not when you overthink your mistakes and berate yourself for them.
If something good happens, I feel guilty instead of thankful. “Who are you to get this reward?! You don’t deserve this!”
The everyday battle in my mind goes on and on. There are some times when I am able to conquer these thoughts but many times I give in and miss out on opportunities and relationships. One of the things that has really been affected by this thinking is in using my gifts and talents for God.
I have always loved art and drawing. I won my first coloring contest when I was four. It was at Wal-Mart and I won a really nice plastic case full of 72 Crayola crayons. I won lots of poster contests throughout school and I loved art class. But the thought of furthering that talent never really crossed my mind until I was 26, about to be a mom and looking for something to work at from home. And then the voice was there saying, “Who are you to think that you could make something people want to buy?”
And so with much trepidation I started an Etsy shop. I really had no idea what the heck I was doing. I didn’t even know for sure what I was making and trying to sell! I was all over the place trying different things. I sold a few things here and there but it was few and far between. And then after about two years I decided to try painting on canvases. I had always seen painting on canvas as something “real” artists did. And I certainly didn’t think of myself that way. But I gave it a try and I really liked it! I also decided at that time to dedicate my art to God and to paint Bible verses. I changed the name of my Etsy shop from “Hilly-Nilly” to “Awake My Soul.” I had a graphic designer come up with a logo and printed off some new business cards. But I still couldn’t call myself an artist. So instead of “Hilary Mungle, Artist” on my cards, it said, “Hilary Mungle, Owner.” Which really makes no sense! I’m the owner of all the art that I’ve made, and making art makes me an artist. Saying I’m an artist doesn’t mean I’m a good artist, it just means that I make art. (Just like saying I’m a Christian doesn’t mean I’m good at being Christ-like, it just means that I’m trying!)
So for seven years now I have been doing my best to follow where God leads me in this gift that He has given me. It is still a struggle. Every time I apply for a show, or a gallery, or a contest, that little voice is saying, “Who are you to get this spot?! You’re not a real artist.” I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing. (And I can say that in just about every area of my life!) But God does know. He knows exactly what I’m going to paint before I paint it. He knows exactly what Bible verses are going to resonate so deeply within me that I will feel compelled to create something with them. He knows when I am feeling like giving up on this dream and throws me a sale or a kind word from someone just when I need a pick-me-up. He knew I needed a confidence boost Saturday morning and so He woke me up with a notification from Etsy with my biggest sale ever! He knows what His plan is for the gift that He gave me. Every time someone says they love my art, I am amazed. Every time I make a sale, I am amazed. And I am reminded that I am asking the wrong thing. The question is not, “Who are you?” but “Who is God?” and “What can He do through you?”
I don’t know what I’m doing, but God does. And that’s why all these insecurities that have always held me in bondage do not matter. Because my God is bigger than my weaknesses. My God is bigger than my insecurities. My God is bigger than the “art world” that my brain is trying to desperately to figure out. My God created me and He does not make mistakes. My God has a plan for me. All I can do is take things one day at a time. And trust His timing and His plans. Maybe He wants to make my work famous someday, or maybe He wants me to just talk to people at local craft shows. Maybe He wants me to inspire others to worship Him through art. The possibilities are endless. But I will only be able to use my gifts and my life for Him if I replace that condescending voice that says, “Who are you?” with a loving voice that says, “Who is your God?”
Questions:
Do you have any destructive thought patterns that are holding you back from fully trusting God and His plans for you?
Are there areas of your life where you feel inadequate or lost? Could asking God for guidance help you to feel more confident in these areas?
2019
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” –Romans 8:28
It’s been awhile since I did any writing. I started in October with a goal of doing a weekly blog. That didn’t last long. I really spiraled out of control in November and December. Two trips home in two months, planning a Christmas party for a club my husband is in, and doing several craft shows on top of the usual Christmas chaos was way too much for me. And I still said yes to all of it. “Sure!” I said. “I’m fine!” I said. “I can do that!” I said. “Nobody else is going to do it,” I said.
The day we left to drive back to our current home after Christmas at our childhood homes, I was afflicted with what I like to call “the crud.” This is what happens to me at various times of the year when my sinuses are tired of putting up with whatever environment I’m in and decide to revolt. Sometimes it’s because of pollen, sometimes it’s because of frequent weather changes, this time it seems they were triggered by smoke. Smoke from wood heat at our parents’ houses and smoke from my in-laws’ cigarettes. I could feel it building up inside my face all week while we were there, and as soon as we hit the road for our 10-hour trip, it all started coming out. I felt bad for about 10 days, which normally would drive me nuts, but because I was so exhausted from the whole year and so ready for Christmas vacation, it turned out to be a glorious time of rest, relaxation, and revelation.
For that 10 days, I slept in and watched movies and ate takeout food and took naps and did NOT feel guilty! Now there were a few times where I HAD to get up and do something. Like unpack our trip stuff so we could actually walk through the house or clean off my desk to find a random receipt my husband needed to return something. But once I did something like that I usually felt so tired I couldn’t see straight so I’d just go right back to watching a movie or taking a nap. And NOT feeling guilty. It was amazing.
When Christmas vacation was over, I was feeling mostly better. But I did not want to lose that peaceful feeling of taking care of myself and being guilt-free. I also wanted to start doing my annual review of the previous year and goals for the new year. So God was setting me up perfectly, as usual. As I thought about 2018, I thought of stress. Stress over homeschooling, stress over my marriage, stress over myself, stress over extra projects I took on, stress over housework, stress over my art, lots of STRESS. Which told me I was definitely NOT taking care of myself well all year long. And if I don’t take care of myself, no one else will. So here are some of the major problems I see in my thinking in 2018:
1) Taking on too many projects. Sometimes I need to say no! “No” is a complete sentence. I have choices.
2) Not asking for help when I need it. When I take on worthy projects, I have to let go of some other responsibilities or I’m gonna be stretched too thin. And when it’s an average day and I’m feeling overwhelmed, I still need to ask for help.
3) Putting my personal needs last. On a daily level, I usually saved up things I wanted to do till the end of the day when my kids had gone to bed. This left me with zero energy for the things that would refresh me. Usually defeated the purpose. Looking at the big picture, I put working on my mental/spiritual/emotional/physical health behind all the other obligations I had in my life, and therefore didn’t make much progress at all.
4) Comparing myself to others. This is always a big one for me! Compare yourself only to your former self, compare yourself only to your former self, compare yourself only to your former self…
5) Listening to the mean/negative voices in my head. Be gone Satan! I must stop letting these thoughts beat me down. The most prevailing lies Satan tells me are that I’m not good enough, I’m not doing enough, and that things are going wrong because I messed up or didn’t try hard enough. And on top of these is the GUILT for anything and everything I say and do! Always feeling like I should be doing something other than what I’m doing. Feeling I should be somewhere else. Feeling I should be more present with where I am. And escaping these thoughts with mind-numbing activities that are not healthy for me! TV, social media, food, anything but God and the truth. Is it wrong to enjoy these things? No! But when I use them to check out of life and avoid dealing with what’s going on inside my head, they become idols.
6) Stuffing my feelings. This has been a lifelong problem and it has got to stop! This leads to all the bad stuff from the mean voices in #5.
7) People-pleasing. This never ends well. Who should I be trying to please? Only God!
8) Admitting when I’m wrong. This is a lot easier for me than it used to be, but I need to be doing at least a daily inventory of myself to see if I need to make amends for anything. Especially with my husband and my kids.
9) Perfectionism. Jesus was the only perfect human, and I ain’t him. I have to stop striving for these idealistic scenes of life I set up in my mind. I must let go of every expectation that does not come from God.
10) Praying for what I want instead of what God wants. This is a sign to me that I have still not completely surrendered to God. If I am telling him what I want, it means I think I know better than he does about what’s best for me and I am still trying to be in control. If I can ask him to show me his will, I am fully trusting him to be in control of my life and completely ready to be obedient to his command. This is not to say that I should not talk to him about my thoughts and feelings, but that I accept that he may disagree with me, that I trust that his way is better, and I trust that he will show me how to accomplish whatever he commands.
I am so thankful for the clarity God has been giving me lately! He has opened my eyes to so many things that have been hidden in the darkness for years. I pray that I will continue to be open to his guidance. But I can also be thankful for all this “bad” stuff from last year because it’s what will lead me to the “good” stuff in the future. God can take all of our trouble and turn it in to something beautiful if we are willing to trust him.
More verses:
“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” –Romans 5:3-5
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” –James 1:2-4